well I took my older brother shooting yesterday...I don't know how many more days like that we will have he is a year older than me and about 25 years older health-wise.
4 weeks ago he puked up nearly 4 pints of blood...clotted like jellyfish
He has Hep C and his liver is cirrhotic operating at about 50% also has cardiac arrhythmia skipping beats, 2 replaced knees
He had ruptured some sort of vessels that operate between his kidneys and liver or something it got real bad because they have him on warfarin for his heart and his blood was thin enough that he was bleeding-out internally
It was an odd day at the range...not like it was in the past....he seems halfway here and halfway gone...he hasn't come with me in close to a year...seemed like he was saying goodbye to the old crew even though "how ya been" was coming out of his mouth
I will miss him when he is fully gone...if I don't somehow get there first...I won't have anyone left who can talk to...who can reassure me that what happened to us and what we went through was true......so much of it seems and sounds implausible to others we don't bother much talking our lives with outsiders...they give us that look...
I write some about the stuff that amuses people and falls in line with expectations
he quit shooting after 10 rounds and just went up to the car to sleep because he was getting cold he told me there is a coldness he gets that tells him he has to shut down for a few hours.
he told me he can't even go offshore fishing because he could start again at any time with his heart or his guts and a few miles offshore is not a place to have medical urgencies
I told him I'd pack up his rifle and pull his target board for him and bring them up when I was done....I also told him that if he was going to start puking blood again to please roll down the window and stick his head out....he gave me half a laugh and said for that he'd be sure to use my seat as a target
we lived pretty rough lives...surviving our upbringing was an accomplishment, surviving what we did to ourselves
afterwards for way too many years was miraculous.....we didn't know how to live...we were conditioned for the short term
when you never know how when or where the hammer is going to drop,,, your longterm worldview gets limited badly
my brother went 10 or 12 years longer than me and has the damage to show for it...
you don't bounce back as well in your 40's like you bounce back in your 20's or 30's
so I will spend some more time with him...it isn't easy because he is seeing that he can't do much of what he loves in life
and seems more okay with the idea of dying than living....not skidding-across-the-finish-line-what-a-make the beast with two backsing-run! sorta okay....more of a sad resignation to the idea
that he is paying the piper for a lifetime of bad decisions
his wife of 5 years is a low rent piece of self-absorbed shit and that has really come to the surface over the past few months of his health collapse
guess he married his mother metaphorically speaking....so he's got to be feeling pretty alone about now
I'd like to get him to really laugh again...like we used to....I am not sure he can get there anymore but I'll give it a try....
seems that mountain of shit upbringing we had cast a shadow over his life longer than he could outrun....
I'm still hopping down the road just ahead of that shadow like a madman emotional cripple..... on one good (?) psychological leg
I don't want to die the death like he's headed toward....I don't want him to die it either...he deserves better
:-\
Sorry to hear about your brother, Gerry.
I need to try to spend more time with my brother, 6 years my junior, since nobody's getting any younger. But there never seems to be enough time with those pesky job things - like the song says, "trading your hours for a handful of dimes". Since my little scare last month, I find myself thinking about mortality all to often lately at the ripe old age of 42.....
That said, it's always good to hear your stories, and I enjoy them and your writing immensely. :)
Sad. sorry to hear Rat.
I can't imagine what you're going through.
Sorry to hear this news.
We're here for ya when you need us.
Gerry is it? I wish you would write a book or even an ebook so i can read about your life... it seems to have scard you in ways i cant imagine, but at the same time would you be this talented at life..? You say people wouldn't believe you, these are the same types of people which dont believe their kids step dad is touching them... please write...
:-(
Quote from: Randimus Maximus on November 21, 2011, 05:25:28 PM
I can't imagine what you're going through.
Sorry to hear this news.
We're here for ya when you need us.
What he said.
It's never easy seeing a friend or family member falling apart. I've watched too many of my family slowly die. It kills a little bit of yourself at the same time. Life is not fun sometimes, no one said it was supposed to be. It can be fun at times but it never lasts. Nothing fun about the end of it either. Ever.
Sorry for your troubles and those of your brother. Count on us when you need us. This is an awesome community of really talented, funny and caring people. I find it funny sometimes that just the interest in Ducati motorcycles has brought us all together to the point where we can share our deepest thoughts and emotions in such a genuine way and so publicly. How cool is that?
Take care.
My heart goes out to you. I have a sister that is addicted and has hep c. I call the sheriff's office once a year and then a few days later they call back and let me know she is alive. One year they could not find her. Took a few months for the call. Another, the oldest is a hermit and will not let me know where she is.
Our childhoods were all make the beast with two backsed up and out of 4 siblings, I am the most normal. That is not saying much, because I hide it well. I pass. I understand the importance of having at least one connection to my past. If there is one sister alive to share it with then I know it really did all happen and I am not alone.
In some ways, we are never alone. I am here, you are here and I bet that there are others that can share in our stories and have lived them too. We have each other. It hurts to lose those we love before their time and that pain is made even worse by losing them while they are still here.
Quote from: fastwin on November 21, 2011, 07:22:21 PM
It's never easy seeing a friend or family member falling apart.
Tell me about it.. we found out my pops had hiv in the fall of 94 (was 14).. he passed away on feb 7 2000 couple weeks becore my 20th bday.. those last few months were tough... to add to the rough time i then lost my girl 17 months later..
What is there to say? My best to you and your brother.
I'm so very sorry to hear about your brother. :-\ I'm glad you are spending this time with him even though it must be so hard.
((hugs))
Thanks guys...you have been a great crew to know and while I don't talk much about my daily life current events...you have accompanied me through a lot of ups and downs
LMT wrote: I am the most normal. That is not saying much, because I hide it well. I pass. I understand the importance of having at least one connection to my past. If there is one sister alive to share it with then I know it really did all happen and I am not alone.
In some ways, we are never alone. I am here, you are here and I bet that there are others that can share in our stories and have lived them too. We have each other. It hurts to lose those we love before their time and that pain is made even worse by losing them while they are still here.
LMT thank you....you nailed it....better than I could have
Keep writing.
Keep deleting it.
And rewriting it.
For some reason it matters to me what I say.
But I cant find the words.
Bugger. :(
No problem Unge,
thoughts count, written, spoken
or just otherwise made known :)
It does indeed. [thumbsup]
Thank you, Rat, for reminding me that the month or so since I last checked in with my sister is longer than it should be.
And thank you for being there for your brother.
Your experience reminds me of the passing of my mother. She died just 2 months ago. It is hard to watch a loved one go. I had similar feelings about what should I be doing.
She lived a life that sounds a bit like a Dickens novel. She was born of immigrant parents new to America but had
a bright future. During these brief happy times her father was a cabinet maker with a solid future, she had a loving mother (a saint I was told) and a big sister to help look after her. Then at 5 her mother dies and her whole world collapses. Her father turns to drink and abandons her by shipping her off to distant relatives in WS. It is the depression and life with loveless and poor relatives is hard. She is lucky to have shoes some of the times. At 16 she is kicked out and moves to Chicago, works as a maid, then a waitress, lives with her now married sister or her drunk and now totally worthless father. At 21 she meets a fireman almost twice her age. The man is cold and hard but true and responsible. He gets drafted into WWII and they marry. Her Life got better during the war because she made it so.
I left home at 18 and got caught up in my own life but a couple of years ago moved to Texas to be near her. It was hard to see her decline until she died but we had some good talks and times together. I never could figure out how someone with such a hard beginning could turn into a kind, good, and loving person. Seems like the prefect excuse for being an alcoholic, a criminal, or a whore.
RAT be glad for these times with your brother, they will stay with you and I'm sure he appreciates it more than he can show.
Thanks, Rat and akmnstr, for sharing. It really doesn't matter how you got to where you are today. I am glad that you are able to make good use of the time remaining and be close to those people close to your heart.
It sounds sad - I wish you didn't have to experience this.
I'm loosing my father to dementia and, to a degree, I can handle it because we managed/dared to
tear down the walls of distance before it was too late. Now we can have a silent understanding and trust.
I have peace now and I think he does too.
My point is that the last hours, weeks or years are much easier if we have a minimum
of unspoken words and aren't missing displays of emotion.
[hug icon]
My thoughts go out to you RAT, LMT, and stopintime
[hugs]
No one gets out of here alive. Life can be tough. So is death. Only my father in law drew the short straw. He lived with us during his final days and my wife and step son found him on the floor of his room when they came home to take him to 4:00 Saturday mass. DRT. Dead right there. Massive heart attack. Probably didn't move two feet when it hit. He suffered from congestive heart failure and his short future was going to be really tough on him and my wife. Thankfully he passed quickly (although alone) before all the bad shit happened.
Everyone in my family went through the meat grinder before passing. [bang] I probably have that to look forward to. :P
I've posted this before but Final Gifts by Maggie Callanan & Patricia Kelley is an extraordinary book that provides real and fascinating insight to the dying process. The authors are hospice nurses drawing from intimate experience in understanding, comforting, and communicating with people as they near death. Not religious. I'd urge anyone facing the loss of a loved one to read it. Best regards.
http://www.amazon.com/Final-Gifts-Understanding-Awareness-Communications/dp/0553378767/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1268804065&sr=8-1 (http://www.amazon.com/Final-Gifts-Understanding-Awareness-Communications/dp/0553378767/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1268804065&sr=8-1)
(http://i327.photobucket.com/albums/k445/majmontana/FinalGifts_LR1.jpg)
Wow. Not sure I can add much to this thread. It's great you're spending some time with your brother. You both need that. It's hard to watch someone fade, I remember dealing with the same with my grandfather. It's tough.
Next time you're in Asheville, we should sit down over a beer or two.
JM
+1 on Final Gifts; we've found it tremendously helpful in a couple of situations over the past year.
Gerry...
My thoughts are with you.
PM if needed/wanted,
--Stu
Back in the High Life Again: Warren Zevon (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mo3lxKrjABE&feature=relatedhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mo3lxKrjABE&feature=related#)
Warren Zevon - Keep Me In Your Heart (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMTKb-pgxGI#)
[bow_down] [bow_down]
Warren Zevon-01-Johnny Strikes Up The Band (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQWUdtU1t4k#)
Thank you all
Warren Zevon had some time to reflect on his own mortality, and an astounding talent to communicate what he found there. Another song of his that was very much in my head while I watched someone else's clock wind down not too long ago:
My Rides Here - Warren Zevon (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JDEdDxloJk&feature=related#)
Good Luck, Rat.