Friday Funnies??

[dragonworld.]

 
   

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor, 

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, 





...Then You Are  Probably  ......... 
The Family Dog!   



And you thought I was going to get all spiritual!!! WRONG!!

[markmon]

Three mice are sitting in the bar at Wiseman's Ferry, trying to impress each other with how awesome their Duc's mods are and generally how tough they are.

The first mouse sinks a shot of Scotch, slams the glass on the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it with my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then burn off with the cheese on my Monster! ”.  He then let’s out a long loud burp and stares at the second mouse…

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, sinks them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies,” Well yeah, well when I see rat poison… I collect as much as I can, take it home strapped on my tank bag and my back, doing a mono all the way. At home I then grind it up to a powder and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz when I kick your arse up and down the old pacific!” Mouse two then raises an eye brow whilst letting out a long series of disrupted, low base farts.

The first mouse and second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse (aka Betty) lets out a big sigh, zips up his leathers, grabs his gloves and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for this bullshit. I gotta ride home and screw the cat.” 



... now that's friggin funny just quietly

[Jukie]

            BBQ RULES :

We'll be entering the BBQ season in a few months.  Therefore it is  important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.   When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man  who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.  He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:
( THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed  ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

I received this from Dragon so i will have a go at him later

[dragonworld.]

 

Hehehheheheehehhee

[Jukie]

I'm after you dragon so watch every step you make, you just don't know who is around the corner

[dragonworld.]

Catch me if you can!!

[vossy]

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?"

He said " Her brother's got a moustache!" 

[dragonworld.]

Hmmmm Tasmanians??

[dragonworld.]

---

Subject: FW: The logic of Great White Sharks




Two great  white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress. 
"Follow me,  son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship. 
"First we  swim around the people in the water with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat  everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them? "

His wise  father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!" 

[dragonworld.]

Barack Obama and Julia Gillard, are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.

They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

Barack goes first. “What will the USA be like in 100 years time”

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”

Julia thinks “Its not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so she asks “What will Australia be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and she gets a printout. But she's just staring at it.

“Come on Julia” says Barack, “What does it say”

Julia replies, "Damned if I know! It's all in Arabic!”

[markmon]

For Sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition $1000 of best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f#*#ing everything

[markmon]

A woman walks into a supermarket and loads up her trolley with the following items:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 litre of milk
1 single serve of cereal
1 single frozen dinner
1 can of soup
1 can of ginger beer

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "single, are you?"

The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"

'...because you're ugly.' 

[Dannog]

An Old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would  you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.   

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
 
So the little old Jewish  man runs around the next block and faces her again.

"Would you let me bite your breasts -  just once - for  $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
 
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

"Nah," says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"

[vossy]

My wife told me I was no longer a romantic, so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentines night.

The problem is she's a crap snooker player.

[dragonworld.]

Zen Teachings     
       
1.   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not   walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
   
2. Sex is like air.  It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
     
3. No one is listening until you fart.
   
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
   
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
   
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you   criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
   
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
   
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.   
   
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
   
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind   screen.
   
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
   
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
   
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
   
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
   
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
   
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
   
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.
   
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night