Friday Funnies??

[dragonworld.]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I    can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half ..

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.


The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your house!

[vossy]

Marriage is like a pack of cards.

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end , you'll wish you had a club and a spade.

[Dannog]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


Apparently the women won. I cant understand why because on my list all of the items attributed as a male trait are actually ones I'd have listed under the female.

[dragonworld.]

Husband Down

Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans'  he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
?What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'


HUSBAND DOWN!, HUSBAND DOWN!, AISLE 7

[cokey]

I just read 61 pages in 3 days... ty..

[cakeman]

A dog lover, whose dog was 'in heat' agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while they were away on vacation.

She had a large house and believed she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs  and found the dogs locked together.

Anxious to separate them asap she was unable to as can happen with man's best friend. Although it was late she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said "hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw".

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

The vet said  "It just bloody worked for me"

[Two dogs]

How do you circumcise a whale?




















With four skin divers

[markmon]

The teacher asks Johnny, "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 2 great kings who have brought happiness and pleasure into peoples lives?".

Johnny replied, DRIN-KING and FAR-KING.

[Two dogs]

Apparently the Greek's invented sex.









But it took the Italian's to have it with women .

[cokey]

s There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response "Making cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"


She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

[FIFO]

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.
Try to come up with the answer on your own.
The answer is at the bottom for those who are unable to think this one through.

Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is walking a tight rope in New York between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.

The other is in Australia getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman.


They are both thinking the exact same thing... What are they both thinking?





















Don't look down.

[Jukie]

Very good RobS So which one are you doing

[FIFO]

Very good RobS So which one are you doing

Well all i can say is i am afraid of heights

[FIFO]

An Australian guy is travelling around the  Greek  Islands .     


   

  He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Fosters, she notices his accent.

   

  Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner.

   

  The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in  Australia ..

'  Melbourne ', he tells her.

'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.

'Glen Iris' he replies.

'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?'

'  Cameo Street ' he replies.

'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering;

'What number?'

'Number 20', he replies.

She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'

'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN     

[Betty]

I am a little concerned that Rob posts this every year when he gets back from holiday