Friday Funnies??

[lukevo]

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and riding. ....

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice claret .

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident , which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!  

[lukevo]

A devout Muslim was seated next to an Aussie on a flight from London .

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Aussie asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant.

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[dragonworld.]

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through
she leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?'
He replies 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'   

[Two dogs]

 



Mexican  Oysters









A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Is, Senor.




Sometimes the bull wins.

[dragonworld.]

While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.


And then He made the earth round.

[dragonworld.]

                         THE  BLONDE AND THE LORD

A  blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the  subject,

and  finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the  ice.

After  positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a  circular

cut  in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice  boomed,




"THERE  ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"




Startled,  the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos  of

cappuccino,  and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the  heavens

the  voice bellowed,




"THERE  ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"




The  blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end  of

the  ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her  hole.


The  voice came once more,




"THERE  ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"




She  stopped, looked skyward! and said,




"IS  THAT YOU LORD?"




The  voice replied,




"NO,  THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"

[rod796]

*


^{* I was going to write something here... but sometimes a picture says it all}

[dragonworld.]

Thats just bloody disgraceful!! 

The rider isnt wearing any gloves!! 

[Jukie]

Hmm I wonder if the rider has his zipper open

[Rowdy]

I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought "These taser guns are well worth the money".

[Jukie]

Oohh that is a bit wrong Rowdy. Taking advantage of (me)oops I mean the lovely lady like that 

[Rowdy]

Shocking Jukie

[dragonworld.]

 
Traffic Stop

Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer:


I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding
on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan , KS.
I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.
In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age)
to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and asked if
she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.
Something--body language, or the way she said it--made me want
to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having
a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more
time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have
just one more, a .357 Magnum in her purse. I then asked her what
was she so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a make the beast with two backsing thing!"

[dragonworld.]

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's  office in West Vancouver after the school had sponsored a luncheon for  seniors. An elderly lady received  a new radio at the lunch as a  door raffle prize and was writing to say thank  you.
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you  know who might need a lift today


Dear Lions Bay School ,
God bless you  for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I  am 87 years old and live at  the West Vancouver Home for the Aged.  All of my family has passed  away so I am all alone. I want to  thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old  lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but,  she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The  other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen  pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.  She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed  that thanks to you I could tell her to make the beast with two backs off.
Thank you for  that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you  all.

Sincerely,
Edna

[J5]

Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?

Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon.

Teacher : Wow! What a kind choice. Do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?

Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning.