Friday Funnies??

[dragonworld.]

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:
Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.
Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral s%x.
Fact: 1 lonely f#cker is reading emails...
- You hang in there sunshine!

[dragonworld.]

Howm far have we come?.....................................Really!!


REMEMBER WHEN................


All the girls wore ugly gym tunics & bloomers!

It took five minutes for the TV to warm up

Nearly everyone's Mum was at home when the kids got home from school

Nobody owned a thoroughbred dog

You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny

Your Mother wore nylons that came in two pieces

All your male teachers wore ties and female teachers
had their hair done every day & wore high heels

You got your windscreen cleaned, oil checked, and petrol served, without asking, all for free, every time.

They threatened to keep children back a year if
they failed. . . And they did it!

When a Ford Zephyr was everyone's dream car...
And people went steady

No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked

Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?

Playing cricket with no adults to help the children with the rules of the game

Bottles came from the corner shop without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger.

And with all our progress, don't you wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savour the slower pace, and share it with the children of today.

When being sent to the headmaster was nothing compared to the fate that awaited you at home!

Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.

As well as summers filled with bike rides, cricket, Hula Hoops, hop-scotch, visits to the pool, and eating jelly crystals or liquorice blocks?

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say,

'Yes, I remember that'?


And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better & too young to care.

Send this on to someone who can stillremember the Lone Ranger and Sgt Bilko


How Many Of These Do You Remember?


Coca Cola in bottles.

Blackjacks and bubblegums.

Milk delivered to your house in glass bottles with tinfoil tops by the 'milkman' - and to your school for morning recess!

Hi-If's & 45 RPM records.

or maybe 78 RPM records?

Adding Machines (not calculators!)

Scalextric sets!

Do You Remembera Time When..

Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'?

'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest?

Catching tiddlers could happily occupy an entire day?

It wasn't odd to have two or three 'Best Friends'?

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was'chickenpox'?

Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a sling-shot?

War was a card game?

Cigarette cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?

Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon? 

'Grass' was something you mowed and 'weed' something you removed from your garden.

When 'ecstasy' was seeing your favourite movie actor on the big screen!

When 'gay' meant happy and 'sick' meant you were unwell!

If you can remember most or all of these, Then You Have Lived!!!!!!!

[Jukie]

Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
I still do this.

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was'chickenpox'
I gave them to Betty.

Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'
got to remember to do this more often

Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a sling-shot?
i think my brother got in trouble for this

and some of the other stuff i have no idea

[dragonworld.]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using
The following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least
8 characters long.

[FIFO]

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.

Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q. What's the difference between oral & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex males your hole weak.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses' bum?
A. A mechanic.

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut.

Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty Knees.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. The battery has a positive side.

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex?
A. "Honey, I'm home!"

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Weeing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her boobs went...

Q. What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A. Hair Balls.

Q. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A. Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork

[FIFO]

Don't leave alcohol near your pumpkins..

[FIFO]

BEER: BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS

A handful of 7 year old children were  asked 'What they thought of beer'. Some interesting responses.

'I think beer must  be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum  gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad  sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is  asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Mellanie, 7 years  old

'My Mum and Dad  both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top  off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady,  7 years old

''My Mum and Dad  talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they  give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years  old

'My Dad gets funny  on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he  shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer.  The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right  into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer  very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the  barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years  old

'I give Dad's beer  to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years  old

AND THE BEST  RESPONSE

'My Mum drinks beer  and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7  years

[dragonworld.]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out of the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'
The drunk, still staring down at the bed sheets in amazement, replied:

'I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.'
 

[Jukie]

  oooohhhhhhh

[dragonworld.]

Onya RNJ! 

[dragonworld.]

If you have Irish friends and you're having a bit of a challenge understanding their ways, this little story might help.


How to get to Heaven from Ireland

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them,  'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!'. I was just
bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out: " YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."

[dragonworld.]

 A sign of the times?? It aint really funny!!

Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f**k all in here

[FIFO]

[FIFO]

The Squirrel and The Grasshopper

=============================

GLOBAL VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

=============================

AUSTRALIAN VERSION


The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Housing Commission of Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing 'We Shall Overcome'.

Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was doing on his home, and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a Housing Commission house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society - in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Australia as they had to share their country of origin with mice.

On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Australians' apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing, but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.

The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the Housing Commission house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs.

Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'Illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment since arrival in Australia.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.

Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10 million and state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers.

Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Australia's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose.

The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid $1 million each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in Australia.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

[dragonworld.]

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said:
'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class:
'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...

'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be make the beast with two backsed!! A talking pig!