Friday Funnies??

[dragonworld.]

Heres another Tiger One!!

Whats the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa??

Santa stops after 3 Ho's!!

Hyuk, Hyuk, Hyuk!! 

[Jukie]

yes yes very good there my Dragon

[FIFO]

Boy goes home and says to his Dad, "I've got a part in the school play, playing a man who's been married for 23 years."

Dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next time you'll get a speaking part?"
   
                               

[dragonworld.]

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE

"F" WORD MAY HAVE BEEN APPROPRIATE



 

10th - "Scattered make the beast with two backsing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC



 

9th - "How the make the beast with two backs did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC



 

8th - "You want WHAT on the make the beast with two backsing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566



 

7th - "Where did all those make the beast with two backsing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877



 

6th - "It does so make the beast with two backsing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926



 

5th - "Where the make the beast with two backs are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937



 

4th - "Any make the beast with two backsing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938



 

3rd - "What the make the beast with two backs was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945



 

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a make the beast with two backsing hole in the head!" JFK, 1963



 

And... Drum roll... The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word...



 

"Aw c'mon. Who the make the beast with two backs is going to find out?"- Bill Clinton, 1997

[Jukie]

Golf Poem 


In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled,  Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This  Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not  Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But  Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The  Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The  Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game
It  Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me  Spend.
It's Made Me Yell and Curse And  Cry,
I Hate  Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing  Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.
To  Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At  All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does  Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And  Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will  Have A Whim
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of  Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of  Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It  Would Find The  Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And  Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My  Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back  Tomorrow!
Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of  balls...
A recent study found the average golfer walks  about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers  drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That  means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the  gallon!

Kind of makes you  proud.

[Jukie]

 Stuttering Cat - as explained by a grade 4......

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.


A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident..


'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'


'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'make the beast with two backs!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

[dragonworld.]

The Australian Solution to Save Petrol





Rudd wants us to cut the amount of petrol we use...

The best way to stop using so much petrol is to deport three million illegal immigrants!

That would be three million less people using our petrol.  The price of petrol would come down...

Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the coast line...

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Timor Sea, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan.

Tell him if he wants to come to Australia then he must serve a tour in the military...

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it...

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country...

He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident...

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves...

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo...

Problem solved... 

[Jukie]

hhmmm good point dragon

[dragonworld.]

It really is that simple!! 

Its only politicians that make it complicated! 

[dragonworld.]

Twas the night before Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his young spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry
Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry.
He'd been cheatin' on Elin and the story progressed.
Ho after Ho stepped up and confessed.
He'd been cheatin' with Holly and Jaimee and Cori,
With Joselyn and Kalika.....the world heard the story.
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger's cheatin’ escapades were all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.
Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin',

Elin went investin' â€" in a new home in Sweden .
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If my husband’s gettin' laid then I'm gettin' paid."
She's not pouting, no sir, she’s of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

[dragonworld.]

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster
and ten hens

he kept in the hen house behind the church.
 
 
One Sunday morning, before mass,
he went to feed the birds and discovered that

the cockwas missing.
 



He knew about cock fights in the village,
so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation,

'Has anybody got a cock?'
 


 
All the men stood up.



'No, no,'  he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.


Has anybody seen a cock?'



All the women stood up.


'No, no,'  he said,


'that wasn't what I meant.


Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'


Half the women stood up.


'No, no,'  he said,


'that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen   MY cock?'

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

[dragonworld.]

http://video1.break.com/dnet/media/2009/12/tiger-woods-wife-outrun-video-game.swf

[FIFO]

 
Paul Keating, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
> While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
>
>
> The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call
> Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
>
>
> When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million
> dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.
>
>
> Next Queen Elizabeth call England and talks for 30 minutes.
>
>
> When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million
> dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a cheque.
>
>
> Finally Paul Keating gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.
>
>
> When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge
> for the call and feel free to call the Australia anytime. When Putin hears
> this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Keating got to call the
> Australia free.
>
>
> The devil replied, "Since Rudd became Prime Minister of the Australia ,
> the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[dragonworld.]

  Irish Confessional

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.   
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a  very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

[Jukie]

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed

was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an

envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the

envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.


'Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to

elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene

with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I

knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos,

her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the

woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really

hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with

the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,

so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your

many grandchildren.


Love, your son, Nicholas.


"P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than

the school report that's on my desk"


I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.