Friday Funnies??

[Jukie]

THIS ONE IS FOR BIG T
14 December 2009, 5:22 PM
Press Release: Union Negotiations

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike
on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to
in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far
failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number
of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut
by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was
the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a
subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational
Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was
unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are
literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't
ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a
kick in the teeth."

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out
that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce
and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an
annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure
they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for
members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real
work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides,
Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with
our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet
their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-
day jihad, in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins
in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure
and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have
to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves
up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to
attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best
people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-
Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of
a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree
on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was
quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like
that........it's too much of a mouthful to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide
bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are
supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a
different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members
of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to
express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the
entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their
operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

[Jukie]

Dead Duck

>
>      Your Duck is Dead--
>
>      A woman brought a very limp duck into a
> veterinary surgeon. As she
>      laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
> stethoscope and listened
>      to the bird's chest.
>
>      After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
> and sadly said, "I'm
>      sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed
> away."
>
>      The distressed woman wailed, "Are you
> sure?"
>      "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,"
> replied the vet..
>
>      "How can you be so sure?" she
> protested. "I mean you haven't done any
>      testing on him or anything. He might just be in a
> coma or
> something."
>
>      The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left
> the room...  He
>      returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador
> Retriever. As the
>      duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog
> stood on his hind legs, put
>      his front paws on the examination table and sniffed
> the duck from top to
>      bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes
> and shook his
>      head.
>
>      The vet patted the dog on the head and took it
> out of the room. A few
>      minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped
> on the table and also
>      delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The
> cat sat back on its
>      haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled
> out of the
> room.
>
>      The vet looked at the woman and said,
> "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
>      is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead
> duck..."
>
>      The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a
> few keys and produced
>      a bill, which he handed to the woman..
>      The duck's owner, still in shock, took the
> bill. "$150!" she cried,
>      "$150 just to tell me my duck is
> dead!"
>      The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you
> had just taken my word for it,
>      the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report
> and the Cat Scan,
>      it's now $150."
>

[FIFO]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and gargled and nothing happened.

Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"

[Dannog]

Ah the good old days, remember when......


An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 ? inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

[Dannog]

Isn't it frustrating that people can't remember computer industry acronyms. Those forgetful few among us this is the translation.



ISDN
It Still Does Nothing



APPLE
Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity



SCSI
System Can't See It



DOS
Defective Operating System



BASICBill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control



IBM
I Blame Microsoft



DEC
Do Expect Cuts



CD-ROM
Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months



OS/2
Obsolete Soon, Too.



WWW
World Wide Wait



MACINTOSH
Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs



PENTIUM
Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics



COBOL
Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language



AMIGA
A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction



LISP
Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis



MIPS
Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed



WINDOWS
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System



GIRO
Garbage In Rubbish Out



MICROSOFT
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.

[dragonworld.]

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.


They heard the announcer Say...

"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of

the street, so the Snowploughs can get through."  So the good wife went out and moved her car.


A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said...  "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says...

"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.  You must park...."

Then the electric power went out... The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said...

"Darling, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"







Then with the love and understanding in his voice, that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied...

"Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time." 

[craigo]

This guys is sponsored by AWESOME

1999/2009 (REMI GAILLARD)

[ozducati]

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did..' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh....she got fired too.'

-------------------------------

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

[ozducati]

A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police Force ..



The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good,
but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim terrorists, and a rabbit.”

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[Two dogs]

World's Shortest Fairy Tail.

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me? "
The girl said NO
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing
and didn't invite people he didn't like to his BBQ
and played golf a lot
and drank beer
and wore whatever he wanted whenever
and had tons of money in the bank
and left the toilet seat up
and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END

[Two dogs]

Extract from the latest Mills and Boon Novel.... With writing like this there is no need for pictures....

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon.
The warm breeze was full of that earthy,musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her now!
Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance.I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first,inch by inch,until I was fully inside her.
Then as the tension rose,we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.
Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm moaning with desire every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending too soon.
As the sexual tension heightened  towards the inevitable mind blowing climax,it was all I could to hold any longer. Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly.
Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass ,as the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into darkness of approaching night,we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace.
I kissed her long and lovingly,and whispered reassuringly how good she had been.
She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear then whispered,
'Baaaaaaaaa'
and rejoined the flock.

This book is only for sale in New Zealand, Australia Wales and certain parts of Derbyshire.

[dragonworld.]

Chinese Wedding Night!


> A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

> He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

> A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, " I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls.. Numbaa 69."
> More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

> Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You wan... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"   

[Jukie]

The Darwin  Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.   

Here is
the glorious winner: 

1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in  Long Beach  ,  California   would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.



And now, the honourable mentions: 

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space
for his car during a blizzard in  Chicago  returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from  Harare  to  Bulawayo  had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer.... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]


7. Seems an  Arkansas  guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. 

8. As a female shopper exited a  New York  convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran.
The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." 

9. The  Ann Arbor  News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in  Ypsilanti  ,  Michigan  at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER] 

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a  Seattle Street , he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. 

[heatherp]

I love the Darwin awards.  Thanks Jukie. 

[Jukie]

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied
''Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''

Don't ever think you can outwit the Irish!