Friday Funnies??

[dragonworld.]

i dont know where you get them from dragon but i look forward too this thread daily   [bow_down]thanks mate cheers bazz

Anything to put a smile on yer dial Bazz! ............................................................Weeellll, almost anything!  

[Two dogs]

Frank was
walking past the Lakemba mosque yesterday
Habib is shaking the rug out over the balcony.
Frank calls out
"Whats wrong Habib won't it start"

[dragonworld.]

An Aussie’s sitting at a bar in New York City.

He looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

A gorgeous young woman sitting alongside notices this and asks,

"Is your date running late?"

"Oh no," he replies, "I’ve got this state-of-the-art watch and was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "State-of-the-art? What's so special about it?"

The Aussie explains, "Well, it uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The young woman says, "I see. So what's it telling you now?"

"Well” he replies, “It says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles, "Too bad, it must be broken.....I am wearing panties!''

The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says,

"Bloody things running about an hour fast.........can I buy you another drink?”

[dragonworld.]

Ever been this pissed?? 

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling 

Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging
Out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
Missing a beat, blurts out....

"Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

[dragonworld.]

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.


Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in  Long Beach  , California  would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.


And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away.. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.


*** Remember.... They walk among us!!!***

[dragonworld.]

A glass of wine... 
 
 
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria   
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer 

Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. 
             
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.   

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit. 


There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service! 

[FIFO]

[FIFO]

He said to me ..... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it

I said to him ...... You wear pants don't you?



He said to me ............. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart


He said to me..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him ...... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said to me...... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

I said to him..... They don't have time.


He said to me.. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I said to him .... I don't know; it has never happened.


He said to me.. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

I said to him ... They already have boyfriends.


He said....What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

I said... A widow.


He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him .... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge

[Jukie]

hhmmm very very good Robs, i sure your wife would have some similar incidents at you home

[FIFO]

hhmmm very very good Robs, i sure your wife would have some similar incidents at you home

Ha Ha 
possibly a few similarity's.
But i thought it was closer to the  Betty and Jukie house hold

[Jukie]

yeh good on ya ROBS 

[dragonworld.]

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the  entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in,  it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I  have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,'  says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with  that, St. Peter  escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down  to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green  golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it  are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with  him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had  while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a  friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and  champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time  to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group  of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by  and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but  I think I would be better off  in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,  down, down to hell.

Now the doors of  the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with  waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his  shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.



What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...


Today you voted.'
 

[dragonworld.]

It's a slow day in a dusty little Australian town. The sun is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.   

On this particular day a rich tourist from down south is driving through town , stops at the local Motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the  night.

He gives him keys to a few rooms and as soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the $100 bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his drinks bill at the local pub.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar , who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the motel and pays off her room bill to the  motel owner with the $100 .

The motel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Australian Government's stimulus package worked. 

[dragonworld.]

Federal Court Ruling: Source the Courier Mail: Qld Australia

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New South Wales State of Origin team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[dragonworld.]

Better than a Flu
Shot! 

Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was
admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him
into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared tea......
As he sat facing her old  Hammond 
organ,
The young minister
Noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
With water, and in the
water
Floated, of all things, a
condom!
When she returned
With tea and
scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity
About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about
this?'

Pointing to the bowl.


'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful?
I was walking through
The Park a few months ago
And I found this little package on the
ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent
the spread of disease.. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.