DMF joke thread

[erkishhorde]

Not a real joke but funny as hell.

[NorDog]

 

[Goat_Herder]

Love that facepalm

[Monsterlover]

Im not a gamer. . .

can I assume alt/F4 = shutdown?

[Popeye the Sailor]

Im not a gamer. . .

can I assume alt/F4 = shutdown?

Try it 

[Ddan]

Im not a gamer. . .

can I assume alt/F4 = shutdown?

Try it 

and report back if you can

[erkishhorde]

Im not a gamer. . .

can I assume alt/F4 = shutdown?

Buncha meanies. Alt+f4  gives invincibility, money, etc... and also closes the open window regardless of what program you're using.

[erkishhorde]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them: “In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.” For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.” Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.”

[triangleforge]

Two American exchange students were sitting at a little Paris cafe, comparing their experiences over the previous year in France.

"It's amazing how much I've learned since I first arrived," said Tom. "I've learned about wine and my French is better than I'd ever dreamed. But it's weird; I still don't quite get this whole savoir-faire thing. What does that really mean?"

Bobby shrugged and said "I'm not sure either. I mean, now I really love smelly, ripe cheeses, and I'm going to miss these unfiltered Gauloises. But savoir-faire -- there's just no way to say it in English."

An elderly French gentleman sitting with two friends at a nearby table offers to help. "Pardon moi, I could not help but overhear your conversation. Let me give you an example to illustrate. Imagine you have come home early from work and you enter your apartment to find your wife making passionate love to another man. If you can close the door and depart calmly, that is savoir-faire."

"Ah, Jacques, you are quite close, my friend," says one of his companions, sipping at an apéritif. "But let me offer an alternative. Say you come home to your apartment to find your wife making passionate love to another man. If you can look upon them calmly, say 'Please... continue' then close the door and depart, that is savoir-faire."

Their third companion smiles a knowing smile, adjusts his beret and replies, "Ah, Pierre, you are my lifelong friend and it pains me to correct you, but you have missed the mark by just a little. Imagine you return to your home to find your wife making passionate love to another man. You look upon them and say "Please... continue" and depart. That man with your wife, if he can continue, that man, my friends, he has savoir-faire."

[Goat_Herder]

If one comes home early from work and find his wife making passionate love to another man, Ripping his balls off with one's bare hand and handing his balls back to him and say "these are yours".  THAT would be savoir-faire.

[fastwin]

Good one. But I was thinking "some what fair"!

[ducpainter]

GHOST SEX 
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. 
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 
'How many people here believe in ghosts?' 
About 90 students raise their hands. 
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' 
About 40 students raise their hands. 
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' 

About 15 students raise their hand. 
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' 
Three students raise their hands. 
That's fantastic.

Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' 
Way in the back, Cyrus raises his hand.

The  professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been 
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a
ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.' 

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. 
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Cyrus, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?' 
Cyrus replied, "Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

[sno_duc]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'





Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company... One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think â,¬5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

[triangleforge]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.  In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded,  "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted.  "Just answer the question.  Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.  Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.  I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about
his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this
huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.  I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.  However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.

I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.  He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.

After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you say?"

[fastwin]

  Good one!!!