DMF joke thread

[DarkMonster620]

Not a joke, but funny

"A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

The manager was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.  "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down to the sales floor to check on how the kid did on his first day.  "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The manager replies, "Just one?!!? Our employees average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.  That will have to change and soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes. The manager felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his manager and says "$101,237.65".

The manager, astonished, says, "$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat. We went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The manager said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

[kopfjäger]

 

[ducpainter]

Not for nuthin' Carlos...

that's a make the beast with two backsing funny joke.

[Needle99]

That is gold

[1.21GW]

 

That should be an expression: He's a great salesman, he can sell a 4x4 to a guy looking to buy tampons.  (Like "ice to Eskimos" or "ketchup popsicle to a lade in white gloves", as they say.)

[Monsterlover]

[Popeye the Sailor]

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed some more, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time..

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ..

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[Monsterlover]

Groan.

[Desert Dust]

  omg 

[kopfjäger]

Off the cuff so I hope I get it right. (adult topic)


A lady is out shopping for new shoes, a salesman is helping her try them on. As he's sitting there he looks up her skirt and notices she isn't wearing any panties, so he smiles at her and says, 'I'd like to eat that pussy full of ice cream'

The lady storms out of the store and goes home to tell her husband. She gives him the story, and he just kinda shrugs.

His wife says, aren't you gonna do anything about it!? He thinks for a minute then says. First you shouldn't have been out shopping without panties on, second you have way more shoes than you need, and third any man that can eat that much ice cream, I aint make the beast with two backsing with him!

[Ducatamount]

  

[Desert Dust]

    

I'm gonn'a have to steal that one. 

[Popeye the Sailor]

A drover from a huge cattle station in the outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.
"Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the sh_t out of the lot of ya"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago."

[Desert Dust]

 

[Monsterlover]