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DMF joke thread

Started by sno_duc, May 06, 2008, 01:31:31 PM

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MendoDave

#1635
January 08, 2016, 02:51:33 PM
Quote from: Satellite smithy on January 08, 2016, 02:47:00 PM

IX) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.



[laugh]

ducpainter

#1636
January 08, 2016, 03:03:22 PM
groan
"Once you accept that a child on the autistic spectrum experiences the world in
a completely different way than you, you will be open to understand how that
 perspective
    is even more amazing than yours."
    To realize the value of nine  months:
    Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
"Don't piss off old people The older we get, the less 'Life in Prison' is a deterrent.”


DarkMonster620

#1637
January 09, 2016, 04:41:02 AM
Carlos
I said I was smart, never that I had my shit together
Quote from: ducatiz on March 27, 2014, 08:34:34 AM
Ducati is the pretty girl that can't walk in heels without stumbling. I still love her.
"When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."

Popeye the Sailor

#1638
January 10, 2016, 07:37:43 PM
We all know about the optician who fell into his lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself. But did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine?


Don't worry; he's fully recovered.
If the state had not cut funding for the mental institutions, this project could never have happened.

Stella

#1639
January 10, 2016, 08:18:42 PM
I wonder if your clumsy upholstery guy worked with the equally clumsy guy who cut off his left side.

But don't worry, he's all right now.
"To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites." ~ Robert Heinlein

Grampa

#1640
January 10, 2016, 08:37:22 PM
Did you hear about the new movie "Constipation"?... it hasn't come out yet.
Gaspar, Melchior and Balthasar kicked me out of the band..... they said I didnt fit the image they were trying to project. 

So I went solo.  -Me

Some people call 911..... some people are 911
-Marcus Luttrell

Speedbag

#1641
January 11, 2016, 03:02:32 PM
A Texas rancher and a New Hampshire farmer were talking shop. "How big is your farm?" asked the Texan.

"Well, my farm is a little over 200 acres," replied the farmer.

"Son," bellowed the Texan, "my ranch is so big that I can get in my truck on one end of it and it takes three days to get to the other end of it!"

"Yeah," said the farmer, "I had a piece of shit truck like that once too."
I tend to regard most of humanity as little more than walking talking dilated sphincters. - Rat

Monsterlover

#1642
January 11, 2016, 03:05:32 PM
[laugh]

Nice
"The Vincent was like a bullet that went straight; the Ducati is like the magic bullet in Dallas that went sideways and hit JFK and the Governor of Texas at the same time."--HST    **"A man who works with his hands is a laborer.  A man who works with his hands and his brain is a craftsman.  A man who works with his hands, brains, and heart is an artist."  -Louis Nizer**

ducpainter

#1643
January 11, 2016, 03:11:53 PM
Good one Dave!
"Once you accept that a child on the autistic spectrum experiences the world in
a completely different way than you, you will be open to understand how that
 perspective
    is even more amazing than yours."
    To realize the value of nine  months:
    Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
"Don't piss off old people The older we get, the less 'Life in Prison' is a deterrent.”


kopfjäger

#1644
January 11, 2016, 03:24:57 PM
 [laugh]
“Woohoohoohoo! Two personal records! For breath holding and number of sharks shot in the frickin\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Speedbag

#1645
January 14, 2016, 02:37:49 PM
Lucy was a hooker, who after many years decided to get out of the business and settle down with a nice guy. Since she had spent so many years with every kind of pervert imaginable, she swore to marry only a virgin male who was around her age and took out personal ads in every newspaper around the world, looking for someone around 60 years old. The only reply was from a man in the Australian outback. She flew down under to meet him and shortly thereafter they were married.

On their wedding night she went into the bathroom to change into her slinky lingerie and returned to find that her new hubby had piled all of the furniture into one corner of the hotel room. Thinking something decidedly kinky was about to happen, she said to him, "I thought you had never had sex with a woman before!"

"That's true, love," the old Aussie replied, "but if it's anything like make the beast with two backsing a kangaroo we're gonna need all the room we can get!"
I tend to regard most of humanity as little more than walking talking dilated sphincters. - Rat

kopfjäger

#1646
January 14, 2016, 02:46:54 PM
 [laugh] [laugh] [laugh]
“Woohoohoohoo! Two personal records! For breath holding and number of sharks shot in the frickin\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Monsterlover

#1647
January 15, 2016, 07:53:46 PM
[laugh]
"The Vincent was like a bullet that went straight; the Ducati is like the magic bullet in Dallas that went sideways and hit JFK and the Governor of Texas at the same time."--HST    **"A man who works with his hands is a laborer.  A man who works with his hands and his brain is a craftsman.  A man who works with his hands, brains, and heart is an artist."  -Louis Nizer**

red baron

#1648
January 17, 2016, 05:43:28 PM
A distressed but attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Get away from me you sicko!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations... James Madison

Popeye the Sailor

#1649
January 17, 2016, 05:44:56 PM
Upon looking into his geometry text book, Humphrey Bogart was heard to exclaim "Here's looking at Euclid."
If the state had not cut funding for the mental institutions, this project could never have happened.
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