DMF joke thread

[erkishhorde]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded."Mrs. Terry is 67 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant!?" The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[Monsterlover]

[swampduc]

 
have to try that on one of my patients. It'll make the real diagnosis sound better 

[sno_duc]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and, one night, he's doing a show in a small town in Tasmania .  With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... Pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"

[djrashonal]

 

[Monsterlover]

[angler]

A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my
eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."

The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story.  A man went hunting, but
instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella by mistake.  When a bear
suddenly charged the man, he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear,
and killed it."

The man said, "Impossible.  Someone else must have shot that bear."

The doctor said, "My point exactly!"

[NorDog]

Man walks into a resturant and sit down.

Waiter: Good to see you again sir.  Can I interest you in the soup de jour?

Man: No thanks, I had that yesterday.

[NorDog]

Years ago on TV I saw an interview with the writer/director of the movie "Airplane".

The guy said he loved driving around town in his VW Bug with a vanity plate that said "BOBS MG".

Of course people would yell at him, "That's not an MG!"

He would just yell back, "I'm not Bob!"

[stopintime]

Perfect confusion

[sno_duc]

 Subject: Irish Virginity Test
> 
> 
> 
> Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he
> could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says,
> "Aye,
> Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a
> Do-It-Yourself....
> Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue
> paint and a shovel."
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night,
> you
> paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.  If she says,
> "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her
> with
> the shovel.'

[junior varsity]

hilarious!

[NuTTs]

A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my
eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."

The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story.  A man went hunting, but
instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella by mistake.  When a bear
suddenly charged the man, he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear,
and killed it."

The man said, "Impossible.  Someone else must have shot that bear."

The doctor said, "My point exactly!"

Bear buddy, I´m stealing this one 

[NuTTs]

Into a belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp.

"What happend to you? asks Sean the bartender.

"Jamie O Conner and me had a fight." says Paddy.

"That little sh*t, O Conner " says Sean "He couldnt do that to you, he must of had something in his hand."

"That he did. says Paddy ''a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licken he gave me with it"

"Well'' says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didnt you have something in your hand?"

''That I did'' said Paddy..."Mrs. O Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

[Monsterlover]