DMF joke thread

[zooom]

Zooom

http://ducatimonsterworldwide.org/index.php?topic=2292.0

ummm...why for?

[NorDog]

ummm...why for?

I think he's saying you need to ban yourself for telling jokes that were considered lame by the 5th grade.

But I could be wrong.

[Rameses]

ummm...why for?

That's a better joke than the last two you posted.

[zooom]

hey...it is a joke thread....nobody said it was a "GOOD" joke thread....

maybe this will make up for it a bit...

A man and wife have been married 58 years, and old age has soured their lives, especially the wife, who has epilepsy. Her husband's got wobbly knees, and a stutter from early Parkinson's. Not to mention that it's been a long while since he's had any.
So he phones up an escort service, and asks for two men.
That night, the men show up,and the old couple are both naked. "T-T-T-Take m-m-m-m-my w-w-wife a-and p-put her on the b-b-bed." They oblige the request, and ask what next.
"N-n-now t-t-tie her d-d-down t-t-to the bed." Again they oblige. "N-n-now p-p-put me on t-t-t-t-top of her."
They do this, just as the wife starts to have a seizure.
"O-o-okay, c-c-c-Cut her loose!"

[ducpainter]

Back to the ban yourself thread....

[fastwin]

And fine yourself $500!!!

[Popeye the Sailor]

Back to the ban yourself thread....

+1

[Raziel]

Stop me if you've heard this one...


A busload of nuns is killed in a gruesome accident.

They stand in line at the Pearly Gates waiting to be processed by St. Peter.

After some time they can just make out St. Peter in the distance, presiding over a fountain, and before long have their turn at the front of the line.

"Sisters, you may pass through these gates after washing any unclean part of yourselves that has had contact with a man, in this fountain."

The first nun steps up and rinses her right hand in the fountain, and passes through the pearly gates.

St. Peter continues: "Sisters, you may pass through these gates after washing any unclean part of yourselves that has had contact with a man, in this fountain."

The second nun steps up and rinses her left hand in the fountain, and passes through the pearly gates.

St. Peter continues: "Sisters, you may pass through these gates after washing any unclean part of yourselves that has had contact with a man, in this fountain."

The third nun steps up.

"Wait just one goddamn minute!" says the fourth nun. "If you think I'm going to gargle with that after she sticks her ass in it, guess again!!!!"

[zooom]

A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it make the beast with two backsing look like it?"

*************************************************************************


A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family Station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass." "Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.

[fastwin]

  OK, that makes up for your past transgressions!

[NorDog]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?

"Ma'am," the officer replies, you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.

Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time, "the officer asks.

“Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[Monsterlover]

  *
  *My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly
  hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the
  problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the
  dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady
  that, if she wanted to keep this  from recurring, she should go to
  the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's
  ears once a month.

  The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
    At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use
  this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

  The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

  The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave
  for a couple of days."

  The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.  If you must
  know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

  The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[zooom]

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with absolutely perfect breasts. He approaches her and says,
"Miss, would ye let me bite ye breasts for $100? "
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the
corner before she does. "Would ye let me bite
ye breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks.
"Listen; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ;

"Would ye let me bite ye breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a moment and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; O.K., just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there. "
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her
blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts
caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them,
licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting
them..
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well?
Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", says the Scotsman.... "Costs too much..."

[zooom]

Truly Inspirational
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

QUOTE FROM HAROLD

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and scotch into urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it.


Harold is an inspiration to us all.

[zooom]

man walks into a bank to rob the place with a pantyhose stocking over his face. In the middle of the robbery, the hose get a run and split open to expose his face.
He goes up to the 1st person near him after this and asks "did you see my face?"
the guy answered "Well yeah."
BANG- he shoots him right in the face.
He walks up to the next guy and asks "did you see my face?"
The guy responds "No,(pointing over his shoulder next to him) but my wife did!"