DMF joke thread

[Monsterlover]

[FIFO]

40 Things You'd Love to Say Out Loud at Work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to publicly humiliate yourself.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I'm out of my mind at the moment, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here - I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I don't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny assed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a f..king people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. Oh, I get it. Like humour. Only different.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is finally done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to kill.
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
40. Wait a minute - I'm just trying to imagine you with a personality

[Jaman]

A motorcycle policeman stops a professorial looking man for not bringing his car to a complete halt at a “Stop” sign.  (Insert a college or university affiliation here, if your nature compels you).

The gentleman, indeed a teacher at said prestigious institution for higher learning, decides he can outfox the humble cop out of a ticket.  “I am a professor of semantics, officer.  If you can tell me the difference between “Slowing down” and “stopping,” I will not contest the ticket.”

The officer, unfazed by this challenge, asks the professor to get out of his car.  He then begins to beat the teacher soundly with his nightstick about the head and torso.

After the fourth or fifth blow, he calmly asks, “Now, do you want me stop, or just slow down?”

[dolci]

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book and found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled bum... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything; I'm ready! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

[fastwin]

  I liked both of those. I needed a good afternoon laugh to make me forget about the 105 degree heat outside.

[r_ciao]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as
soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

[NorDog]

What did the atheist say when he arrived in Hell?

"I can't believe this is happening to me!"

[r_ciao]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. 
He had been employed there for a number of years when
he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion...
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
 
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied...
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'

'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too. '

[Monsterlover]

[Howie]

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"

[fastwin]

I approve of this joke.

[r_ciao]

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' 
Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time,
reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
 
With age comes wisdom. 

[Howie]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the
eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then
closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral...I'm a gynecologist".

The proctologist fainted

[fastwin]

 

[sno_duc]

Blonde Cookbook


Monday; It's fun to cook for Steve. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me the extra bowls.

Tuesday; He wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress.  What a surprise when he brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday; A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.  I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thrusday; Today he asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Steve asked me why I was rolling around  in the garden...I showed him the recipe instructions.

Friday; I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it... There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back,everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday; He did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday.  I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason he keeps counting to ten.

Sunday; I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius... I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe . If I can talk him into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.