I feel like Rat...or Piller...

[77south]

For what it's worth, some of mental illnesses only become apparent at around the age of your eldest daughter.  I am not a doctor, so my advice here is worth less than nothing, but an interview with a competent psychiatrist might be something to consider.  She not just making selfish choices, she's being self destructive. In any case if, you can't get help for her, get some for yourself, health issues like you have been having sound serious to me.   

[ZLTFUL]

This shouldn't be make the beast with two backsing dictating every aspect of my life but lately it has.


Monday was a day of hearings and depositions in Missouri proving that I am not running some drug lab out of my place too. Of course, this is all supposed to be covered when Iowa does their home study...but apparently we are doubling up our efforts.

The 18yo has convinced her grandma that she has a cold. She doesn't. She is robo-tripping. Grandma picked up a Costco sized package of cold meds for her. Pretty evident in her Facebook pics.

15yo is rebelling and grades are suffering. Judge wants me to be more active in her day to day life.
Uh...she is 3.5 hours away and we talk for an hour or more every single night not to mention texting and chatting via Facebook all the time. Aside from moving to Missouri, what else would you suggest FFS??

I have obligations both in work and personal life that have taken a back seat to all of this and I am afraid that work relationships and personal relationships are suffering because of it.
And of course, I can't tell anyone no. LOL.

[Bladecutter]

Monday was a day of hearings and depositions in Missouri proving that I am not running some drug lab out of my place too. Of course, this is all supposed to be covered when Iowa does their home study...but apparently we are doubling up our efforts.

15yo is rebelling and grades are suffering. Judge wants me to be more active in her day to day life.
Uh...she is 3.5 hours away and we talk for an hour or more every single night not to mention texting and chatting via Facebook all the time.
Aside from moving to Missouri, what else would you suggest FFS??

I have obligations both in work and personal life that have taken a back seat to all of this and I am afraid that work relationships and personal relationships are suffering because of it.
And of course, I can't tell anyone no. LOL.

I'll ignore the whole 18 year old daughter thing, because, honestly, she's an adult, and has the right to f her life up to her desire, and you have no legal recourse at all.

As for the judge, you just simply say:

"My ex-wife took my daughter out of State, against court orders, several years ago, and I was not allowed to see her by the ex-wife.
If you grant me custody of my daughter, I will bring her back home to our State, and I will be in her life, every day, for the rest of her life.
Is that acceptable to you, your honor?"

That should pretty much end any statements that the judge can make against you.

BC.

[Duck-Stew]

I have obligations both in work and personal life that have taken a back seat to all of this and I am afraid that work relationships and personal relationships are suffering because of it.
And of course, I can't tell anyone no. LOL.

Heal up the family.  All will align in good time.  You are doing amazing things.  Love ya buddy.

[ducatiz]

I can offer nothing but moral support -- your 18yo sounds like she has a lot farther to go before hitting bottom and she doesn't seem to be trying to go up. 

You still have some time with your 15yo, but the state is making it hard for you to parent by keeping her away from you. 

I'm sorry man. 

[ZLTFUL]

Updates...

Well my 18yo has been doing her treatment.
Actually started going to AA meetings alongside voluntarily.
I am not naive enough to believe that things will miraculously get better.
The problem signs are still there as she is still glorifying her mother (who has been released from jail and is currently on house arrest pending trial...more on that in a second) on Facebook and how much her mother is her "rock". No pun intended.
She wants me to go to the Family day with her on Thursday. At first I was even somewhat flattered until she added, "I mean since mom can't go and you're the only family I have up here..." Let's ignore the grandparents that gave you a free place to stay while you get your shit together...or the other grandparents that are providing monetary support to keep you fed...or the countless relatives that are chauffuering you around...
It's like she has no sight outside of the tunnel vision she has for her mother.
I think the lack of appreciation for the family that has actually been there for her is pissing me off more than anything else.

My youngest and I are going to take a weekend camping trip to the Ozarks once the weather has settled a bit more. And we are most likely going to spend a weekend with her in KC or STL in the next couple of weekends.
We text back and forth basically daily and talk on the phone every couple of nights after school.
The school reports that hr grades are indeed recovering a bit but she is still having moments when she just doesn't seem to give a crap.
She is going to a counselor twice a week and so far, that has been positive.

And now the mother...
She has been released and put on house arrest pending trial. Not so much a big deal until you consider where she is staying.
She is staying with her father who has 5 OWIs, 2 domestic assaults and was kicked out of AA for showing up drunk all the time. He also has several Disturbing The Peace convictions from his drunken antics.
He has drug problems as well. And lets not forget that he resides in a different state.
I can't see many positives coming out of this.
But apparently, Missouri says that "jail was not a suitable environment for her continued mental health."
No shit?

Anyway, things have quieted down a touch but the mom is still the biggest caustic part of this whole situation and she is already trying to figure out ways of seeing my youngest without state supervised visitations.
I worry that I will end up with one of those "Mother Kidnaps Daughter" headlines.

[Duck-Stew]

You continue to be in my thoughts...  Hope all this works out man.

[ZLTFUL]

As the next hearing approaches, I thought that I should give an update.

Not having RAT here anymore makes posting the continued baby mama drama feel somewhat futile but I really need to share it somewhere...with someone...lest I pop.

Let's start with the ex wife.
Her accomplice changed his plea to guilty and was sentenced to 6 years in prison...but it was a suspended sentence pending completion of a 120 day "shock incarceration" program. They also dropped all except 2 felony charges against him so he was only charged with felony possession and felony manufacture. The felony child endangerment and misdemeanor charges were dropped. This was also his first offense. He has no other record at all so the sentence seems to fit...even if I don't agree with it.

My ex wife reached a plea agreement, the details of which are unknown but from what I can tell, her felony child endangerment charge was dropped. She is still charged with felony possession, felony manufacture and misdemeanor paraphenelia charges. Her sentencing hearing is July 2nd.

In the meantime, she went to visit her other 2 kids from her second marriage. At that visitation, apparently, the kids were yelling at her to leave, that they didn’t love her anymore and that they never wanted to see her again. Following that visit, she had a visitation with my youngest daughter. All of her visitations with the minor children have to be state supervised.

Charlea said that at her visit, she was detached and didn’t really say much but kept telling her not to make the same mistakes she did and that she loved her over and over again.

After the visit, she went back to her dad’s house and shortly after midnight that night left the house and didn’t tell anyone where she was going. The next day around noon, she was found in the town’s park at the baseball field, passed out and unresponsive in a pool of vomit. She had urinated and deficated herself and her vitals were critically low.

She was taken to a local hospital and then transported to a university hospital about 2 hours away. She eventually came out of it and when questioned, she had ODed on meth along with her father’s sleeping pills and drank a bottle of vodka. She was attempting to kill herself.

Once she was back to health a bit more, she was transferred to a psychiatric facility. Apparently, no new charges or release agreement violations are being considered and she was recently released and returned to her dad’s house.


My 18yo had been staying with my parents but she disappeared for several weeks. Turns out, she had spent 2 weeks with some guy up here and then went and was hanging out with her mom. She wasn’t answering texts or phone calls from anyone. When we were finally able to get a hold of her, she relayed the above information to us. She then said she was “scared for her rock…her mommy…” and that she was going to stay down there to try and help get her mom better. Come to find out, the real reason she wanted to stay down there was because her “fiance” was out of his treatment incarceration on a week long furlough.

So he goes back, her mom is in the psych ward and now she wants to come back and live with my parents again. I told her flat out that this was it. This was her last chance and if she make the beast with two backsed up again, I was washing my hands of it all and she was going to truly be on her own as my family and her mom’s rational side of the family would follow suit. She promised that she was going to get her shit together and find a job (supposedly she had an interview lined up with Lady Footlocker but it turned out she lied about that too).

But alas…last Saturday I get a text from my 18yo that she wants to talk to me. I ask her what is up and suddenly she is all cryptic about only wanting to talk in person. So I tell her that I am out running errands so it will be at least 2 hours before I can get over there. She then says that she will be at the ER then so I should meet her there.

Well, I have frozen stuff in the trunk and it was in the 90s so I head for home to unload the groceries and my wife says, “I bet she’s pregnant…” So I text my 18yo back and ask her if she is pregnant. She replies with, “Maybe not anymore.” Tasks taken care of, I head for the hospital and get directed to her room in the ER.

I don’t say much while we wait for the Dr. When the Dr gets into the room, he asks her a battery of questions including, “Psotive pregnancy test?” To which she replies that she has taken 5 pee tests and 4 of them were positive with the fifth being a “faint positive”. The Dr then informs her that if that’s the case, then she is definitely pregnant. To be sure though, he orders another pee test along with bloodwork to determine how far along she is.

Let’s back up a bit here…4 weeks before this she was with her fiance for 1 week. Other than that, they haven’t seen each other in over 4 months. My wife wonders if her fiance knows about math. Make note of this as I continue.

So the Dr comes back and says that she was indeed pregnant…~6-8 weeks along. But that she is also having a miscarriage. Unfortunate, to be sure. But a damned relief. The Dr says that aside from getting more rest, there is nothing that she needs to do and nothing more that can be done. So she begins to get dressed and calls her mom (who at this time is still in the mental ward but can receive phone calls from family). While she is on the phone with her mom, she puts the phone on speaker and sets it down to get dressed. Her mom’s sage advice at this time of (sarcasm) woe…”Oh baby…I am so sorry. I guess you will just have to keep on trying.” WTF?!? Who even says that to their unemployed, virtually homeless 18yo daughter??!

As an aside, a couple of weeks before this, my wife texted my 18yo to inform her that, according to her insurance explanation of benefits, she was starting to accrue some medical bills. I had kept her on my insurance in hopes that she would have coverage but fully expecting her to pay her own co-pays. Anyway, my daughter texts me and says to tell Robin to leave her alone and that her mom was helping her get on title 19. I explained to her that this was all well and good but that she would still be responsible for her previously accrued medical bills up until the point where she was approved for title 19. I also explained that having her on my insurance and on title 19, the government would only grant her supplemental title 19 insurance and not full coverage due to her already having insurance. So she tells me to take her off my insurance so that title 19 will cover it all. She also says, “And don’t worry about those bills…I will just file bankruptcy like mom did.” *FACEPALM*

So I am driving her home from the hospital and I am not saying much because I am livid and don’t want to regret saying anything. We get to my parents’ house and before she gets out I ask her, “Rachel…how the make the beast with two backs do you expect to take care of a baby when you can’t even take care of yourself?”. She just mumbles “I dunno…” and gets out of the car.

Monday rolls around and I get a call from her telling me that she finally has a plan for her life. She is filling out the paperwork for Job Corps and she meets with her recruiter on Friday to find out when she has to report to the Job Corps center. That’s great…all well and good. But she has already quit Job Corps twice in the past since dropping out of high school. But she swears up and down that this time will be different and she will finish Job Corps and when she gets her GED through them, she is going to join the Air Force.

If history holds true to form, she will make it a few weeks before wanting to come home again. I am pretty much done though. She needs to fix herself and I am done trying.


Now on to my 15yo.
Overall, she has been doing well enough. She did have to do summer school for 3 classes (history, algebra 2 and social studies) because even though she scored high on the end of term evals, her grades had dropped too low to receiving passing even with the good test scores.

So she took summer school. She passed with flying colors and she is stoked to get the hell out of foster care. Unfortunately, the state of Missouri is still dragging its feet “in hopes of returning the child to the parent’s home from whom she was removed.”

I had a very animated conversation with the case worker today about how asinine it is to try to get her back with her mother when her mother is attempting suicide, still hasn’t been sentenced and is just generally a bad idea.

They moved my 15yo to yet another foster home (that’s 3 since this shit began) because apparently, the mother and daughter she was living with were having major issues between themselves and the caregiver asked to have her relocated.

Seems to my logical mind that the best thing for her would be to get her into my custody and into a stable environment instead of prolonging the stressful living arrangements and anquish of hope that they are going to place her back with her mother when everyone involved knows it isn’t going to happen.

So I am going down to Missouri this weekend and we are going to go find some stuff to explore. On Monday, I am requesting that the judge let her come up to my house for the holiday week. I am also hoping that we will have new info on a timeline so that I can get her enrolled in school for the 2013-2014 school year.

But that’s where we are at. This situation consumes the vast majority of my time. It has cancelled pretty much any possible chance of a summer vacation for my wife and I. And it has caused stress throughout the family on both sides. Sadly, my ex-wife appears to have no remorse and is *only* concerned with how this will effect her. At our last family status call, all she would talk about was how she was afraid that I would never let her see her daughter. It was like she wasn’t even aware that *she* caused all of this.

So there we are. And I think my goatee is just a little bit more grey.

[Bladecutter]

I hate to ask, but if the ex-wife does manage to kill herself, what happens to your youngest?
Does she then get put into your custody, or does she forever go into foster care until she is 18?

I think you need to ask the judge that question when the next hearing occurs.

BC.

[ducatiz]

jeebus man.

you are a rock for staying sane thru all that.

[LowThudd]

Man, your plate is full.

I am all for reduced sentences for first time offenders, and our drug policy does need reform. But, it seems to me that the child endangerment, and a possibility of a lab explosion(as well as all the violence that the meth world brings) is the bigger issue. I don't give a crap if an ADULT wants to screw up their own life, but when it comes to innocents, particularly teenage dependants, I think that should be taken more seriously. I mean what is the real issue? The child endangerment, to ME at least, is the bigger crime. Yet that charge was dropped.

I really hope you get custody of your youngest, seems to me that should be a no brainer.

Totally agree that, man, you need a vacation. Even if it is just seeing your daughter over the holiday. You must be able to maintain your own livelyhood through this.

Best hopes for you and your family.

[ZLTFUL]

I hate to ask, but if the ex-wife does manage to kill herself, what happens to your youngest?
Does she then get put into your custody, or does she forever go into foster care until she is 18?

I think you need to ask the judge that question when the next hearing occurs.

BC.

That question has been asked. Unfortunately, Missouri's policy is to do everything they can, within the confines of the law and with full consideration to the safety of the child to place the child back with the parent they were removed from. Barring that, her death would mean that is no longer an option and placement with me would be certain.

But to add to that, I have to wait until this all plays out before I can petition the courts in Iowa to receive full custodial guardianship of my 15yo.

[herm]

WOW!

judicial ass hattery like you describe is why people go postal.

[duccarlos]

Marine Corps for the 18yo

[Speedbag]

Marine Corps for the 18yo

+1

I had been thinking some military service would straighten her ass out pronto also.....

Jeez dude, I feel for ya.