So I pulled up to a stoplight, and wouldn't you know it, one of my many ex-girlfriends here in town pulled up next to me. She honks and then starts yelling obscenities at me, flipping me off and generally frothing at the mouth. Then she suddenly floors it and takes off just before the light changed...only to have a huge eighteen-wheeler hit her from the left and roll right over her car, crushing it like a beer can and killing her. I was in shock, thinking "Holy shit....that could have been ME!"

So I enrolled in truck driving school ....

Awesome

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

 

 

JM

oldie but goodie

 

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife was watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail."

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

  I thought it might end with 'Be right there' or something to that effect.

Subject: WARNING! Beer giving men female characteristics?


Not to Be Taken Lightly.

Now, as if everything else wasn't bad enough, we find out that beer isn't good for us men.
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent study that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men develop female characteristics.



To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:

1)  Argued over nothing
2)  Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3)  Gained weight.
4)  Talked excessively without making sense.
5)  Became overly emotional
6)  Couldn't drive.
7)  Failed to think rationally, and
  Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

Pun fest:


I) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

II) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

III) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

IV) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

V) Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

VI) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

VII) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

VIII) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

IX) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

X) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Medicine Man who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Medicine Man looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."