I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke, "What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath....throw the washing in."

However, the bloke in the next table said, "My brother who is an epileptic had a fit in the bath and died."

make the beast with two backs me. If the ground could have swallowed me up right then I have been happy. I said, "Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?"

He replied, "No, he choked on a sock."

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was  going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in  the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked  "Is someone in your house?"

He said  "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and  stealing from me.”     

Then the police dispatcher said  "All patrols are busy, you should lock your  doors and an officer will be along when one is available."   

George said, "Okay."   He hung up the phone and counted to 30.     Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.  Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now,"  and he hung up.

Within  five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire  Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'  residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. 
One of the  Policemen said to George,  "I thought you said that you'd shot  them!"    George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" 

Quote from: Howie on January 13, 2025, 08:23:16 PM
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was  going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in  the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked  "Is someone in your house?"

He said  "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and  stealing from me.”     

Then the police dispatcher said  "All patrols are busy, you should lock your  doors and an officer will be along when one is available."   

George said, "Okay."   He hung up the phone and counted to 30.     Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.  Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now,"  and he hung up.

Within  five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire  Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'  residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. 
One of the  Policemen said to George,  "I thought you said that you'd shot  them!"    George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" 

 

Quote from: Speedbag on January 13, 2025, 01:16:23 PM
I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke, "What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath....throw the washing in."

However, the bloke in the next table said, "My brother who is an epileptic had a fit in the bath and died."

make the beast with two backs me. If the ground could have swallowed me up right then I have been happy. I said, "Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?"

He replied, "No, he choked on a sock."

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

One day, Jesus and Moses get to play golf at TPC Sawgrass in Florida. They come to the famous Island Green at the 17th hole, and when Moses looks at Jesus he sees that the Lord has a pitching wedge in his hand. Moses says, “Jesus, what are you doing? You know you can’t hit a wedge to save your life.” Jesus says, “I know what I’m doing. I watched Tiger Woods play this hole with a wedge. If he can do it, so can I.”

So he hits his shot and, sure enough, it plops into the water. Jesus looks at Moses and says, “Would you mind getting my ball?” Moses says, “Yes Lord.” He walks to the edge of the water, stretches out his arms, parts the water and goes and gets the ball.

When he returns, he sees that Jesus still has the wedge in his hand. He starts to speak, but Jesus says, “Don’t worry, I didn’t get a clean hit that time. I’ll nail it this time.” He strikes the ball, and it goes farther, but not far enough. He looks at Moses, and Moses says, “Yes, Lord.” He parts the water and gets the ball.

Jesus still has the wedge in his hand. Moses says, “Jesus, if you hit in the water this time, I’m not getting your ball.” Jesus says, “Don’t worry. I little more backswing should do it.” He hits, and the ball lands in the water. He looks at Moses, and Moses just shakes his head. So Jesus walks out onto the water, reaches down and starts fishing for the ball.

By this time, the foursome behind them have caught up. One of the golfers says to his buddies, “Look at that guy out on the water. Who does think he is, Jesus Christ?” Moses turns around and says, “No, he IS Jesus Christ. He thinks he’s Tiger Woods.”

Quote from: ducpainter on January 14, 2025, 06:36:20 PM
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Little Johnny came down for breakfast and no there is no breakfast!
Mum said "no chores no breakfast!"
Little Johnny goes to do his chores.
He first feeds the chicken's and kicks one.
Then he feeds the pigs and kicks one.
Then he feeds the cow and kicks it.
On returning to the kitchen he gets a bowl of grain put in front of him!
"Why can't I have some milk, bacon and egg today mom?" He asks.
Mum says that she saw him kick a chicken, a pig and the cow so for a week he won't be getting any bacon, egg or milk!

Just then Johnny's dad comes down the stairs and kicks the cat!
Johnny turns to his mother and says, " are you telling him or am I......!"

 

 

 In the late 1890's, a little Jewish village in Poland had only one cow and one day it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles or one from Minsk for only 500 rubles. They pooled their rubles and being thrifty naturally bought the cow from Minsk.
> It was a great cow. It had a wonderful disposition and produced lots of milk and lots of cream for butter. Everybody loved it dearly. So much so that the villagers decided they would mate the cow and raise more cows just like it so they would never have to worry about their dairy supply again.
> When the cow went in to heat, they went back to Minsk and rented a bull to mate with the cow. They put the bull with the cow in a pasture and let nature take its course. But when the bull came to mount the cow from the right, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow shifted to the right. She refused to let him mount her. This went on all day.
> Finally, in desperation, the villagers decided to go ask the RABBI what to do. After all, everyone knew their beloved Rabbi was a very wise man. They gathered around him and theVILLAGE ELDER told him the problem: "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow.......When the bull comes in from the right the cow moves left, and when the bull comes in from the left the cow moves to the right. What should we do?"
>
> The Rabbi pondered for a moment and then asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
> The gathering is stunned.
>
> VILLAGE ELDER:
> Rabbi, you are indeed wise! We never said where we bought the cow! How did you know it came from Minsk?"
>
> Shaking his head, the Rabbi said sadly,
>
> "My wife is from Minsk."

 

The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your Motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women? "God said, "Ah, yes. " "Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention." God was somewhat taken back, and when He asked what the flaws might be, Arthur Davidson produced a list for Him to read.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions.

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be true that My invention is flawed... " God said to Arthur. "But the last time that I checked, more men are riding My invention than yours."