Quote from: Jukie on November 26, 2008, 12:00:50 AM
what are you saying dragon. if it was me i would just get a new light bolb and change it in a few minutes without asking for any bodies help.

Heh,heh,heh. Got yer attention, did I ??    

you will always have my atttention dragon

Jukie likes to watch ?? 

Why we should not flirt!!

A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and   said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after  sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him..

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing.

You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?' He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.'

'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad, apparently he had the time of his life.

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was
sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front
of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all
eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of
me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

Hardluck Sailor

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "so, how did you end up with the peg-leg" the sailor asked.. "We were in a storm at sea," replied the pirate."" and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.""Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"? "Well ..." replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off. "Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get the eye patch?" A seagull dropping went into my eye," replied the pirate. "you lost your eye to seagull poop? the sailor asked incredulously "Well..." said the pirate," it was my first day with the hook."

This  is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.




There is a moral to this story......
(Maybe not the one most of you expect .... so, read on!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One mid-summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream when he said, to no one in particular,



'Gosh.if I go down three inches I will feel the mist
from the water and I will be refreshed.'
At the same time a fish was in the water thinking,



'Gosh.if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
On the riverbank there was a bear thinking,



'Gosh.if that fly goes down three inches
that fish will jump for the fly
and I will be able to grab the fish!!'
It also happened that,farther up the bank, a hunter was
sitting on the grass preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it...
that bear will expose himself to grab for the fish.
so I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Close by the hunter's foot was a wee mouse thinking,



'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish jumps for the fly.
and that bear grabs for the fish..
the dumb hunter will shoot the bear
and drop his cheese sandwich.'
A cat lurking in the bushes observed the scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
that particular river around lunch time)



'Gosh.if that fly goes down three inches ..
and that fish jumps for the fly ...
and that bear grabs for the fish ...
and that hunter shoots the bear..
and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
then I can have mouse for lunch.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By that time the poor fly was finally so hot and dry that he
headed down towards the cooling mist of the water.


So ........ The fish swallowed the fly...



the bear grabbed the fish..



The hunter shot the bear..



the mouse grabbed the cheese sandwich...

the cat jumped for the mouse..
The mouse ducked...



and the cat fell into the water and drowned.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOW, for the Moral Of The Story....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,



Some pussy is gonna be in serious danger !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

love it love it love it

bahah, thanks dragon & jukie top ones to end the working week on!! - Chris

Christmas Joke   

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,  'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

         One says, 'Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?' 

       " SHIT "  says his friend. 'And I just joined Rotary.....'

And then the fight started...

======================================================================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...

====================================================================

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....

so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....

====================================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her  drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend...
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

===========================================================

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

  Voted Best Scottish Short Joke


A bloke walks into a  Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

How Adam Got Eve -- Priceless



Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.     


So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'   


Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.     


God said that He was going to make Adam a companion   


and that it would be a woman. 


He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,   


and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you 


She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,   


and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.


She will praise you!   


She will bear your children.     


and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.   


'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and 


passion whenever you need it.' 


Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'   


God replied, 'An arm and a leg.'   


Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?' 


Of course the rest is history............!!!!