Subject:      Ah those beautiful flight attendants
A man sitting at a bar at Sydney International Airport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself:  "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant.  But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:

"Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:

"Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again,

"Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look.

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan:

"Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned on him,

"What the f *** do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said    "Ahhhhh, Jetstar..!"

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No... salty.

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the ute, the boat, riding the Duc or even playing golf or fishing'

Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,

busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

oooohhhhh Dragon you are going to get yourself into trouble you know that, but not of me 

Im in trouble with the missus again !
All because I wouldn't open the car door for her.
It wasn't my fault I just panicked and swam to the surface....................

Quote from: Jukie on January 29, 2009, 04:11:05 PM
oooohhhhh Dragon you are going to get yourself into trouble you know that, but not of me 

Heh ! I juzz lerv to live dangerously.     

hhhmmm my sort of person 

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others. He then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............









You'll like this

























NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

Here you Jukie   

When a Woman Lies
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.


'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked .
The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.


'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?'
'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.


'Yes,' cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!'
The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.


Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

so very true, see we always have good reason for everything

It was entertainment night at the old people's home. Claude the

hypnotist.exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to

hypnotize

each and every member of the audience.'



  The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique



pocket watch from his

coat 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a

very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations'.



He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,

'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'



The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light

gleaming off

its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying

watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell

to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.



'SHIT' said theHypnotist.



  ... It took three days to clean up the old people's home.

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge man of "non european ancestry" bloke 2 metres tall and 150 kilos. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.

After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big man of "Non european ancestry". Leaning over towards the "Man of non european ancestry" he whispers, 'Do you want a blow-job?'

At this the massive "man of non european ancestry" leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park, and returned to his seat at the bar.

Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. 'I've never seen you react like that', he says,' Just what did he say to you?'

'I'm not sure', the big "man of non european ancestry" replies, 'something about a job..

 

Just a bit edited! Snigger, thanks J.

still laughing dragon maybe i have too much 

Surely Not ??        

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.  We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
 
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
 
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW'..........

That's more than twice a week! ...................You could learn a lot from him..'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
 
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
 
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow?'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.