Two mates having a drink in a bar
One says if I went to your place while you were at work and shaged your Missus rotten and she got pregnant would that make us related ?
His mate replies
Dunno about related but it sure would make us even.

Zen For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1. Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria...... they're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines
18. Get a bottle of wine for your spouse....... it'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

BOB & THE BLONDE
   
 
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.  He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
 
The 10 pm news was coming on.  The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

 
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
 
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
 
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
 
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

 
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
 
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair.  Here's your money."

 
Bob replied, "I can't take your money.  I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
 
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
 
Bob took the money...

Something for the Whippersnappers to think about! 

Its one thing that is inevitable, aint it! Just like Taxes.

                                                   

SERENITY



Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me' 
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. 
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 
'And what do you think is the best thing 
About being 104?' the reporter asked. 
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' 

The nice thing about being senile is 
You can hide your own Easter eggs. 

I've sure gotten old!   
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, 
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes 
I'm half blind, 
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, 
Take 40 different medications that 
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. 
Have bouts with dementia   
Have poor circulation; 
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. 
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. 
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, 
I still have my driver's license. 

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, 
So I got my doctor's permission to 
Join a fitness club and start exercising. 
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. 
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, 
By the time I got my leotards on, 
The class was over. 

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. 
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. 

Know how to prevent sagging? 
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. 

It's scary when you start making the same noises 
As your coffee maker. 

These days about half the stuff 
In my shopping cart says, 
' For fast relief..'


Phuuurrrrrrrraaarrrrp. Wuz that the bike or me?? 

Dragon excuse yourself

Quote from: Jukie on March 14, 2009, 10:39:58 PM
Dragon excuse yourself

Wups! 

I sorry Ms Juikie , me fluffed. (Damn beans and chilli  Hee, hee,hee.  Gotta watch that green smoke! ).

thats ok better out then in, you always forgiven 

If the fire alarm goes off...............stay where you are.





Sent from Singapore today.



------------------------------------------------------------



Good Morning,



A fire alarm rang at 4 PM when almost all shift employees are in office (approx 5000).



As usual entire office was evacuated within 3 mins and every employee gathered outside office.



10 mins passed..................................5 more mins passed.



Security Officer started Announcement: "Dear Employees - With melting heart I am making this announcement that for many of you it will be a last evacuation drill.  Due to the recession we are laying off almost 50% of employees.  If your ID card does not work anymore, then you are among those laid off and all your belongings will be couriered to you tomorrow.  We followed this approach as we didn't want to fill email box size with layoff mails and good bye mails in thousands.  We also wanted to avoid any fights inside the office.  Hope you have a nice career ahead, please move on and try your luck".

 

 

I might have already posted this one up before


And that's when the fight started............

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....



************************************************************************

My wife walked into the room & asked "What’s on the TV?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....



************************************************************************

A woman is standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

The husband replies, “Your eyesight's damn near perfect!”

And that's how the fight started.....



************************************************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a weight scale.

And that's how the fight started.....



************************************************************************


I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in appreciation.

“Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!” she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....



************************************************************************


My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No” she answered.

Then I said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I'd like to phone a friend.”

And that's when the fight started....



************************************************************************


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of beer for $34.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started..... 



************************************************************************



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I'll have the steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren't you worried about the mad cow?”

“No, she can order for herself.”

And that's when the fight started….

teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of
first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.                 


The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:


Red.....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green.................Lime
Orange..............Orange


Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.


'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'


One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're arse-holes!!'

Did you know that diarrhoea is hereditary.






It's in your genes

 

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN




Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.




THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran, Ruled by Nuts.

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

im even more sure that i am a man reading this

Quote from: Jukie on March 19, 2009, 08:20:17 PM
im even more sure that i am a man reading this

Fortunately you don't kiss and cuddle like a man