Be gentle, its my first time!!   

hhmm i will

Hmn thinking the screwdriver may not be seen as punishment??

Don't know if this is just a coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
 
It gets worse........

next year......
 
2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

Big T,

I would have expected you to have a better knowledge of the chinese zodiac than that 

But don't let the facts get in the way of a good punchline, eh 

Quote from: Big T on May 12, 2009, 05:48:18 PM
Don't know if this is just a coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
 
It gets worse........

next year......
 
2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

im sorry but i couldn't resist, hmmm cock flu, and the poor boys cocks drop off

Quote from: Jukie on May 12, 2009, 06:43:37 PM
im sorry but i couldn't resist, hmmm cock flu, and the poor boys cocks drop off

Better get in quick ladies, times a wastin'.     

come on Dragon show me what youve got

This morning on the Freeway,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman

In a brand new
Holden Calais


Doing 110 kms per hr


With her
Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds !


And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,


Still working on that makeup.


As a man,

I don't scare easily.


But she scared me so much;
I dropped

My electric shaver,


Which knocked

The meat pie

Out of my other hand.

In all
The confusion of trying

To straighten out the car


Using my knees against
The steering wheel,


It knocked

My Mobile phone


Away from my ear


Which fell


Into the coffee

Between my legs,


Splashed,


And burned


the old fella and the nads


Ruined the bloody phone,


Soaked my trousers,


And disconnected an

Important call.


bloody women drivers!!

gggeeee i must not be a girl i cant do the makeup thing

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. 
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' 
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'



--------------------------------------------------------- 
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' 
The father replied.  'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'


--------------------------------------------------------- 
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court 
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and 
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'


--------------------------------------------------------- 
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took 
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.. 
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'


----------------------------------------------------------- 
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has 
been living with for the last 40 years. 
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that 
were used to put the curse on you.' 
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take 
to fly from  San Francisco  to  New York City  ?' 
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.


----------------------------------------------------------   
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' 
Joe: 'Really?' 
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'   


---------------------------------------------------------- 
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks 
him how he is feeling. 
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 
'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 
'Oops!'


------------------------------------------------------------ 
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of 
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had 
even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. 
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all
in one.' 
He's still in intensive care.


......................................................................... 

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive   
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION



The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to an attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.


I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Sounds reasonable to me !!??       

THE DRUNK CERTAINLY KNOWS HOW TO TREAT A LADY!



                                A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun
dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a
huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and
asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

                                The bar went silent as the patrons tried to
ignore her... But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his
hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'

                                The bartender poured the drink and the woman
chugged it down.

                                She turned to the patrons and again pointed
around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man
here will buy a lady a drink?'

                                Once again, the same little drunk slapped
his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

                                The bartender approached the little drunk
and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a
drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

                                The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift
her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

       

A Man gets up hung over one morning to find his wife in the kitchen at the stove.
He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed so very
drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

This could start some shit?? 


At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, General Managers of Cascade Brewery,

Tooheys, XXXX, CUB and Coopers found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the Tooheys man said, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The XXXX man smiled and said, "Make mine a XXXX Gold."

The Coopers man rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."

While the bloke from Cascade requested "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."


The General Manager of Carlton & United paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.






"Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you poofters aren't going to drink real beer, then neither will I."