MORNING SEX

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'

Thought for the day.

Never hold your farts in.
They travel up your spine, into your brain,
and that's where shitty ideas come from.




   

A man was seated next to a little girl on the plane when he turned to her
and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you  strike a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to  the man, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know", said the man. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask  you a  question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same  stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat  patty, and  a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to  discuss  nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"

Quote from: dragonworld on June 04, 2009, 04:41:35 PM
Thought for the day.

Never hold your farts in.
They travel up your spine, into your brain,
and that's where shitty ideas come from.




   

loved that one

Bahahah!hah!!

Quote from: dragonworld on June 04, 2009, 04:41:35 PM
Thought for the day.

Never hold your farts in.
They travel up your spine, into your brain,
and that's where shitty ideas come from.



hmmm i have to remember that one
   

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."



pregnant doges to the end.

Man, I'll tell ya, women are cold until the end!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad
news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we
celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't
well.. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sober. 

There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
 
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end,

'I've been diagnosed with AIDS..' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,  'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those pregnant doges sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order

wow i wouldn't even thought of that, that is probably because im not a girl

 





A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven.


He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them.


"Yes?", asks St. Peter.


"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani.


St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"

Suicidal Muslims... 

 
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now...
No Christmas
No television
No cheerleaders
  No Nude Women
No car races
No soccer
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No nachos
No Beer nuts
No Beer !!!!!!!!
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung..
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.





Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!




  I mean, really, is there a mystery here?



   

What Makes 100%?

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:



A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%



And…












B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

hhmmm very good danno

  Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of LakeBurleyGriffinin Canberra

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size
As kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the  lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
The car door.  Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
Them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit Out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ar se ho le and a briefcase.’

hhhmmm would like to laugh but it might still hurt a bit good one my dragon

oops sorry Jukie, was just trying to get some giggles happening !!