ooohhhh arrrrr good one dragon hmm i dont remember seeing and nuns in rome on bikes

At The Sex Toy Shop:

A little old lady, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering, she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave ddddiillldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old lady then asks: "Ddddoooo yyyouuuu cccarrry aaa pppinnkk oonnee, ttteeennn iincches lllong aaanndd aabbbooouutt ttwwoo iincchess tthiicck...aaand rruuns bbby bbbaatteerrieeess?'
The clerk responds: "Yes we do."
"Ddddooo yyyoouuu kknnooww hhhooww tttooo ttuuurrnn tthhe sssunnoffaaabbiittch offff?" she asks.

Howdy All.

Not sure if this has been on before, great voice over. http://www.snotr.com/video/2623
Cheers.

Man goes into his local London supermarket to buy half a lettuce.

Sales boy tells him they only sell whole lettuce.

Man insists that the boy refer the matter to his Manager.

Sales boy walks into the back room and says to the Manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a lettuce."

Just as the words come out he notices that the customer has followed and is right beside him so he quickly adds,
"and this gentleman’s kindly offered to buy the other half."

The Manager approves the deal and the customer goes on his way.

Later, the Manager says to the boy, "I’m impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who can think on their feet here..........where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replies.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asks.

"Well sir, New Zealand’s full of whores and rugby players."

"Is that right?" replies the Manager, "My wife’s from New Zealand!"

"Oh really?" says the boy, "Who'd she play for then?"

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.



6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.


11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?



16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18 . Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.


21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Wisdom Of A  Retiree!! 



I've  often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that  you're retired'?   Well..I'm fortunate to  have a chemical engineering  background, and one of the things I enjoy most is  turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into  urine.   
And  I'm pretty damn good at it,  too!!

Dragon, now you are just taking the piss.........

I did this the other day at the hospital...

Manager: Spider, can we install 8 computers in the urology department by lunch?

Spider: piece of piss, sir!



not a single chuckle, I was working the dumb room!

Quote from: Spider on June 26, 2009, 01:19:23 AM
I did this the other day at the hospital...

Manager: Spider, can we install 8 computers in the urology department by lunch?

Spider: piece of piss, sir!



not a single chuckle, I was working the dumb room!

Sometimes its better that way. Had the CEO tell us all we need to sign onto "mandate" letters the other day. I asked afterwards if the company was also going to be updating the Bromance policy to align with the mandate letters...not even a giggle 

WHAT A GEEZER.      

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking
lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.

It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a
ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and
coaches £5 (about $7).

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25
years.  Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better
phone up the City Council and get them to send a new

parking attendant . . . "

"Err . . . no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your

responsibility."


"Err . . . no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the

attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't

he?"

"Err .. . . no!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain

(presumably), is a man who had been taking the

parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per

day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7

days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million

($7 million - or $280,000 every year for 25 years)!

And no one even knows his name.

The  Husband Store
   

   A  store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman
may go to choose a  husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how  the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of  the
products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the
next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a
husband. On the first  floor the sign on the door
reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. 


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and  Help
With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly
stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help  with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the  sign
reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on  this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible  to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store  just
across the street. 


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like
beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been
visited

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up
> to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.
>
>      As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over
> the bar:
>
>      COLD BEER: $2.00
>
>      HAMBURGER: $2.25
>
>      CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
>
>      CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
>
>      HAND JOB: $50.00
>
>      Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole'
> biker  walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
> female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled
> farmers.
>
>      She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
>
>      "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
>
>      The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he
> whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
>
>      She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes,
> I sure am".
>
>      The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly,
> "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger

Date-Rape- Drug

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called 'Beer'.

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beer, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beeris administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

Texan Cowboy's Honeymoon




 
cowboy Rich and his wife from Tyler had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.



The groom approached the front desk and asked for a room.
 
He said, "We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed."



The clerk winked, "You want the 'Bridal'?"
 
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment, then replied,
 
"Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

anybody wants a beer