Australian Bush Etiquette


IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.


DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.


PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN Ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman It can draw attention away from your jewellery.


DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook â€" especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff
about you on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back.. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.


THEATRE/CINEMA ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends..
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place.)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummer- bund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way...
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

> Patrick, who was holidaying from Ireland on Bondi beach but
> couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked
> the local lifeguard for some advice.
>
> "Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing
> them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an
> old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to
> grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small
> - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin'
> ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"
>
> The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his
> spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
> Everybody on the beach were disgusted as he walked by,
> covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
> So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him,
> "What's wrong now?"
>
> "JAHEESUS !" said the lifeguard, "Mate. The potato goes in
> front!"

Quote from: Rob s on October 22, 2009, 10:08:54 PM
Australian Bush Etiquette


IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.


DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.


PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN Ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman It can draw attention away from your jewellery.


DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook â€" especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff
about you on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back.. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.


THEATRE/CINEMA ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends..
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place.)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummer- bund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way...
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

how do you know my family

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it..
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me.....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in..
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------

Quote from: Jukie on October 25, 2009, 11:56:25 PM

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in..
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Ha ha ha ha

tut tut Jukie  (need a finger wagging smiley) 

Heh, heh, heh!! Cruel but fair.       

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches
I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks,
'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to
stand in front of a mirror,  Stare at myself and repeat,
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

Well , that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist
and see if he can do anything for that?


Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.  He puts
her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
sees him standing at the mirror and saying.

'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife ' .
'She's not my wife '

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

  Very good Jukie .ROLMFAO

How a marriage works....



A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies..

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face..  I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your make the beast with two backsing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your mothermake the beast with two backsing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't make the beast with two backsing going anywhere!   Got it, Arsehole?'

So he stayed home............

...........and, they lived happily ever after.



Now, isn't that a sweet story?

Yes its is sweet story and don't you forget it

Ever wondered about  Guts or Balls...

There is a medical distinction.    We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference?   
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''


I hope this clears up any confusion.  Medically speaking, there is no difference, since both ultimately result in death.

yes are rightfully so RobS death would be relief, compaired to what would happen to you if you were still alive

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver' licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

23. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?

24. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?