Difference between Grandfathers and Grandmothers

This is funny even if you are not a grandparent.

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers is? Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special
Effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would
Take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some
Bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday
However, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at
All. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take
Their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
Grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see
A single ass hole, dumb bastard, dip sh*t or horse's ass anywhere we
Went today!' 

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? 

Go Wifey


An old man and woman were married for many years and they grew to hate each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared.. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'

Bloody women they think of everything!!!!

A TRUE IRISH GHOST STORY


This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.  The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. 

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.  John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.  A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.........................



'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say,

'Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said,

'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,

Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .

That phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded,

'this may very well be the solution.'



The next day,

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in,

She saw that his two male parrots

Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes,

The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked,

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

And exclaimed,

'Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!'

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Kevin Rudd, Wayne Swan, Anna Bligh and Julia Gillard.They're asking for a $310 million ransom,
otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a litre."

Here's a brilliant solution to all the controversy over "Full
Body Scanners" at airports.






Have a booth that everyone must step into individually that will not X-ray  you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you!



It would be a win-win for all - no more crap about racial profiling, no  long lines and no long, drawn out, expensive trials!!!



Justice would be swift .... case closed!!!



Plus, the there is another benefit ... you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,
"Attention standby passengers, we now have an additional seat available on flight number ...."

World's Most Challenging Footwear.wmv

The  Hypnotist


I felt sorry for the  hypnotist I saw last night.
He hypnotised seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot and yelled,  “F... me!!”
….what happened next,  will haunt me forever!! 

Check out the new panniers!

http://thereifixedit.com/2010/05/05/epic-kludge-photo-downside-to-half-mile-winding-driveway/

I am over 60 and the Defence Force  thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join  the military. They've got the whole thing arseup. Instead of sending  18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old blokes. You shouldn't be able  to join a defence unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:  Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old blokesonly  think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional  seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young blokes haven't lived  long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back  hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting  us kill some arsehole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and  shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before  10 a..m. Old blokes always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I  said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up  killing some fanatical arsehole.

If captured we  couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name,  rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Training would be  easier for old blokes.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're  used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been  using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the  screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the  obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot  wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after  completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste  of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old  has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a  conversation with a pretty shiela. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap  has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. He still hasn't worked our that below the hip jeans or shorts will trip him up one way or another.  But who said it looks good anyway?  Duuuuur

These are all  great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before  sending them off into harm's way..

Let us old farts track down those dirty  rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple  of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know  that their best years are already behind them.

How about recruiting  Women over 50 ...in menopause!!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh  my God!!!

If nothing else, put them on boat people border patrol in West Aus.... They will have it  secured the first night!

With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,
Good grief, look how smart I am!


Must be where 'Smart Ass' came from

Maybe not so funny??


A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest
opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,
In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,
In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!

Quote from: dragonworld on May 15, 2010, 04:14:22 PM
Maybe not so funny??

 


 



My Dog



Went down to Social Security this morning to sign up Elvis,

The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit". 

I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is. 

She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.


He gets his first cheque on Friday. 

Damn this is a great country. 

The Penis Poem

My nookie days are over,
my pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
from my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
to find the &*&(&%$ thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
the way it would behave.
For every single morning,
it would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
it sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
and watch me tie my shoes!!