A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming." What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts." The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

 

The history of the middle finger 


I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.  Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?   
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!  Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!  It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'




IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!




And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing 

 
SCHNAUZER


My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this  from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover.  At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.  If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."  [moto]

Tim was at school, the teacher asked all the kids what there dads did for a job. Kids yeld fireman, chippy, etc. But Tim kept quiet so teacher asked him about his dad. "My dad dances in a gay club & takes off all his clothes 4 men. If they pay enough he'll go out with a man, rent a hotelroom & sleep with them". The teacher sent the other kids 2 lunch & took Tim aside 2 ask if that was true. "No"said Tim, "He plays for the NSW Origin side but I was 2 embarrassed to say".

Quote from: The Don on June 18, 2010, 09:34:09 PM
Tim was at school, the teacher asked all the kids what there dads did for a job. Kids yeld fireman, chippy, etc. But Tim kept quiet so teacher asked him about his dad. "My dad dances in a gay club & takes off all his clothes 4 men. If they pay enough he'll go out with a man, rent a hotelroom & sleep with them". The teacher sent the other kids 2 lunch & took Tim aside 2 ask if that was true. "No"said Tim, "He plays for the NSW Origin side but I was 2 embarrassed to say".

Hmmm, methinks the Don dwells north of the NSW border perchance?? 

Quote from: dragonworld on June 18, 2010, 10:01:11 PM
Hmmm, methinks the Don dwells north of the NSW border perchance?? 

No, no ... we are an honest mob in NSW.

No, I live in the south west of Sydney, after a five year loss If i took the blues seriously I would cry. They are a joke 

News release from Origin three training camp.

Police sniffer dogs and the NSW drug task force have been called into the Origin training camp today after
a white powdery substance was found on the ground.
Joey Johns has been called back and questioned and all the team has been drug tested.
Eventually the substance has been identified.
Know one had seen this for so long they did not recognise the substance
it turned out to be chalk dust from the Try line.

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
 


1.  The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 



2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
 


3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 
 


4. A dog's parents never visit.

 


5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 

 


6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.   

 


7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.. 

 


8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.   

 


9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"   

 


10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

 


11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.   

 


12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.   

 


13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.   

 

And last, but certainly not least: 
 

 
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.



Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.

oooohhh Dragon you are going to get yourself into trouble one day, but not from me

Quote from: Jukie on June 23, 2010, 10:26:01 PM
oooohhh Dragon you are going to get yourself into trouble one day, but not from me

Living dangerously is just sooooo much fun!!

Mate, i read that to my wife and i blame you for my divorce 

Quote from: gino on June 23, 2010, 11:04:40 PM
Mate, i read that to my wife and i blame you for my divorce 

Heh, heh, heh! Glad I could help Gino!! 

Gunna buy a new bike now??  [moto]

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and
never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and
comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live
without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her
deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make
sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the
room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and
invincible.

No wait...  sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

Never mind.

Ooohhh so that's what you think of me dragon a glass of wine