The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

   
I,  P. Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
    a) I do physical labor.
    b) I work at great depths.
    c) I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
    d) I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
    e) I work in a damp environment.
    f) I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
    g) I work in high temperatures.
    h) My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
       
Sincerely,
                P. Niss

The Response
 
Dear P.Niss:
    After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,
      the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

   a) You do not work 8 hours straight.
   b) You fall asleep after brief work periods.
   c) You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
   d) You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
         other locations.
   e) You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated
        in order to start working.
   f) You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift..
   g) You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
       correct protective clothing.
   h) You will retire well before you are 65.
   i) You are unable to work double shifts.
   j) You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have     
         completed the assigned task..
   k) And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting
        the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
            Sincerely,
                             V. Gina

A girl hit on me in a nightclub the other night....


She asked me to treat her like an Egyptian princess....


So I threw a sheet over her head & told her to be quiet.

Morris, the Samurai.
There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job, a Japanese, a Chinese, and Morris. So he interviewed all three.
The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.
The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.
Then the emperor asked Morris to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. Morris opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Morris's sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and asked Morris, "After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"
Morris replied, "A circumcision is never intended to kill."

True story:

Once while visiting a hospital a man I saw bolting for the door (with his wife trying to keep up) said, "I'm not going to spend the rest of my life waiting around for that nurse.  If I do that I'll be here all day."

just wondering...

Do caskets come with a lifetime warranty?

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" 

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f*&k-in' wall."

 

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! "

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

Okay...some blond jokes...

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves. As her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.


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One day two blondes decided to take a trip to Disney Land. They were riding down the road and all of a sudden they came to a fork in the road and a sign said disneyland left. So they looked at eachother and said dangget and went back home.

Q: Why are West Virginia murders so hard to solve?

A: There are no dental records and all the DNA's the same!

Quote from: zooom on September 16, 2010, 06:31:46 AM
Q: Why are West Virginia murders so hard to solve?

A: There are no dental records and all the DNA's the same!

What has 48 legs and 12 teeth?


The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.

The Arkansas State Supreme Court just ruled that divorced couples are still brother and sister.

Things I've learned about southern living since I have move to Texas

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.   

2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.   

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.   

4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and     a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.   

5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.   

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.   

7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.   

8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.   

9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.   

10.Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"   

11.People walk slower here.   

12.Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.   

13.The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in"big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.   

14.The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.   

15.Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.   

16.If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.   

17.If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.   

18.Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do.   In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.   

19.Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.   

20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.   

21.If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're  supposed to do.   

22.Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be  displayed.   

23.Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.   

24.Florida is not considered a Southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.   

25.In Southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also here expressions such as,  "Laud, have mercy", Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".   

26.As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.   

27.You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself. 

What did the old farmer say to the lamb when his wife died?

Looks like its just ewe & me Kidd

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, the elderly couple were told there would be a 45 minute wait. Young man, the husband said, We're both 90 years old. We may not have 45 minutes. They were seated immediatly.

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A priest lived next door to a rabbi
They were always jealous of each other.
Whatever one did, the other would try to outdo.
If one had a Jacuzzi in his back yard, another would have a swimming pool.
One day the priest came home with a brand new Mercedes.
Not to be outdone, the rabbi bought a brand new Bentley.
The rabbi is watching TV when he hears funny sounds. He looks out the window and sees the priest baptizing his new car with holy water.
The priest feels satisfied and goes indoors, all smug. He is reading the paper and hears strange buzzing sound.
He looks out the window and sees the rabbi sawing 1” off the exhaust pipe.