Man who can't read or write applies for a job as a dustman and doesn't get it because of his illiteracy. So he strikes out on his own, doing rag and bone picking up and selling on scrap met.

The business grows and he ends up with premises and after some time accumalates more and more wealth. Eventually he becomes a millionaire scrap metal merchant and is invited to speak at a local school or college about his life and his success. At the end of his talk the head/sponsor thanks him for coming and says 'what an amazing story, see we can all be successful in life no matter what our background and just think how much more successful this man would have been if he had learnt to read and write'.

The scrap metal merchant replies 'i'll tell you what I would have been if I could read or write. A f**king dustman!'

Quote from: J5 on October 20, 2010, 02:01:51 AM
Man who can't read or write applies for a job as a dustman and doesn't get it because of his illiteracy. So he strikes out on his own, doing rag and bone picking up and selling on scrap met.

The business grows and he ends up with premises and after some time accumalates more and more wealth. Eventually he becomes a millionaire scrap metal merchant and is invited to speak at a local school or college about his life and his success. At the end of his talk the head/sponsor thanks him for coming and says 'what an amazing story, see we can all be successful in life no matter what our background and just think how much more successful this man would have been if he had learnt to read and write'.

The scrap metal merchant replies 'I'll tell you what I would have been if I could read or write. A f**king dustman!'

Same joke as above, presidential slant: Bill and Hillary are driving through rural Arkansas when they stop for gas.  Bill looks over at Hillary, points to the attendant and says "look where you'd be if you had married him.  I know I haven't been perfect, but you get to be first lady".  Hillary looks over at Bill and says, "If I had married him, he would be president."

An 85-year-old man was told by the 
Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' 

The next day the 85-year-old man

reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the  previous day. 

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 

'Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.  She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing. 

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'   
   
The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get  the jar open.'

The  room was full of pregnant women  with their partners.  The class  was in full swing.  The  instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the  men how to give the  necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said  "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for  you.  Walking is  especially beneficial.  It strengthens the pelvic  muscles and  will make delivery that much easier."  Just take several stops   and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.

She looked at the  men in  the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together  --  It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

The  room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this  information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes, answered the Instructor.

"I was  just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk??

Quote from: humorless dp on October 21, 2010, 09:29:53 AM
An 85-year-old man was told by the 
Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' 

The next day the 85-year-old man

reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the  previous day. 

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 

'Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.  She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing. 

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'   
   
The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get  the jar open.'

A Country wife came home just in time to find her 
husband in bed with another woman.
With super-human strength, borne   of fury, cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, 
she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the  barn.
She put his manhood in a vise,  secured it tightly, and  removed the handle.
Next, she picked up an old rusty dull knife. 
The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! 
You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty old knife, are you?" 
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the knife in her  husband's hand and said......





























































"Nope.... You are!  I'm gonna burn 
down the barn

 

Thats pretty make the beast with two backsed up right there

go ban yourself

my 4yr old nephew told me his first joke on the phone
sooooo cute....

him:
"aunt melissa.... wha... wh... whyyyy did the turtle crossss the streeeet?"

me:
"hmmmmm.... i don't know, why did the turtle cross the street?"

him:
"TO GET TO THE SHELL STATION!!!!"

me:

you

do not need banned

A little girl asked her mother,
"How did the human race start?"
The mother answered,
"God made Adam and Eve and they had children,
and so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race
was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered,
"Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

My wife approves of that joke!

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

My wife approves of that joke too!