well I took my older brother shooting yesterday...I don't know how many more days like that we will have he is a year older than me and about 25 years older health-wise.

4 weeks ago he puked up nearly 4 pints of blood...clotted like jellyfish

He has Hep C and his liver is cirrhotic operating at about 50% also has cardiac arrhythmia skipping beats, 2 replaced knees

He had ruptured some sort of vessels that operate between his kidneys and liver or something it got real bad because they have him on warfarin for his heart and his blood was thin enough that he was bleeding-out internally

It was an odd day at the range...not like it was in the past....he seems halfway here and halfway gone...he hasn't come with me in close to a year...seemed like he was saying goodbye to the old crew even though "how ya been" was coming out of his mouth

I will miss him when he is fully gone...if I don't somehow get there first...I won't have anyone left who can talk to...who can reassure me that what happened to us and what we went through was true......so much of it seems and sounds implausible to others we don't bother much talking our lives with outsiders...they give us that look...

I write some about the stuff that amuses people and falls in line with expectations

he quit shooting after 10 rounds and just went up to the car to sleep because he was getting cold he told me there is a coldness he gets that tells him he has to shut down for a few hours.

he told me he can't even go offshore fishing because he could start again at any time with his heart or his guts and a few miles offshore is not a place to have medical urgencies

I told him I'd pack up his rifle and pull his target board for him and bring them up when I was done....I also told him that if he was going to start puking blood again to please roll down the window and stick his head out....he gave me half a laugh and said for that he'd be sure to use my seat as a target

we lived pretty rough lives...surviving our upbringing was an accomplishment, surviving what we did to ourselves

afterwards for way too many years was miraculous.....we didn't know how to live...we were conditioned for the short term

when you never know how when or where the hammer is going to drop,,, your longterm worldview gets limited badly

my brother went 10 or 12 years longer than me and has the damage to show for it...

you don't bounce back as well in your 40's like you bounce back in your 20's or 30's

so I will spend some more time with him...it isn't easy because he is seeing that he can't do much of what he loves in life

and seems more okay with the idea of dying than living....not skidding-across-the-finish-line-what-a-make the beast with two backsing-run! sorta okay....more of a sad resignation to the idea
that he is paying the piper for a lifetime of bad decisions

his wife of 5 years is a low rent piece of self-absorbed shit and that has really come to the surface over the past few months of his health collapse

guess he married his mother metaphorically speaking....so he's got to be feeling pretty alone about now

I'd like to get him to really laugh again...like we used to....I am not sure he can get there anymore but I'll give it a try....

seems that mountain of shit upbringing we had cast a shadow over his life longer than he could outrun....

I'm still hopping down the road just ahead of that shadow like a madman emotional cripple..... on one good (?) psychological leg

I don't want to die the death like he's headed toward....I don't want him to die it either...he deserves better

 

Sorry to hear about your brother, Gerry.

I need to try to spend more time with my brother, 6 years my junior, since nobody's getting any younger. But there never seems to be enough time with those pesky job things - like the song says, "trading your hours for a handful of dimes". Since my little scare last month, I find myself thinking about mortality all to often lately at the ripe old age of 42.....

That said, it's always good to hear your stories, and I enjoy them and your writing immensely.  

Sad.  sorry to hear Rat.

I can't imagine what you're going through.

Sorry to hear this news.

We're here for ya when you need us.

Gerry is it? I wish you would write a book or even an ebook so i can read about your life...  it seems to have scard you in ways i cant imagine, but at the same time would you be this talented at life..?   You say people wouldn't believe you, these are the same types of people which dont believe their kids step dad is touching them...  please write...

:-(

Quote from: Randimus Maximus on November 21, 2011, 05:25:28 PM
I can't imagine what you're going through.

Sorry to hear this news.

We're here for ya when you need us.

What he said.

It's never easy seeing a friend or family member falling apart. I've watched too many of my family slowly die. It kills a little bit of yourself at the same time. Life is not fun sometimes, no one said it was supposed to be. It can be fun at times but it never lasts. Nothing fun about the end of it either. Ever.

Sorry for your troubles and those of your brother. Count on us when you need us. This is an awesome community of really talented, funny and caring people. I find it funny sometimes that just the interest in Ducati motorcycles has brought us all together to the point where we can share our deepest thoughts and emotions in such a genuine way and so publicly. How cool is that?

Take care.

My heart goes out to you. I have a sister that is addicted and has hep c. I call the sheriff's office once a year and then a few days later they call back and let me know she is alive. One year they could not find her. Took a few months for the call. Another, the oldest is a hermit and will not let me know where she is.

Our childhoods were all make the beast with two backsed up and out of 4 siblings, I am the most normal. That is not saying much, because I hide it well. I pass.  I understand the importance of having at least one connection to my past. If there is one sister alive to share it with then I know it really did all happen and I am not alone.

In some ways, we are never alone. I am here, you are here and I bet that there are others that can share in our stories and have lived them too. We have each other. It hurts to lose those we love before their time and that pain is made even worse by losing them while they are still here.

Quote from: fastwin on November 21, 2011, 07:22:21 PM


It's never easy seeing a friend or family member falling apart.

Tell me about it..  we found out my pops had hiv in the fall of 94 (was 14).. he passed away on feb 7 2000 couple weeks becore my 20th bday..  those last few months were tough...  to add to the rough time i then lost my girl 17 months later..

What is there to say?  My best to you and your brother.

I'm so very sorry to hear about your brother.    I'm glad you are spending this time with him even though it must be so hard.

((hugs))

Thanks guys...you have been a great crew to know and while I don't talk much about my daily life current events...you have accompanied me through a lot of ups and downs


LMT wrote:    I am the most normal. That is not saying much, because I hide it well. I pass.  I understand the importance of having at least one connection to my past. If there is one sister alive to share it with then I know it really did all happen and I am not alone.

In some ways, we are never alone. I am here, you are here and I bet that there are others that can share in our stories and have lived them too. We have each other. It hurts to lose those we love before their time and that pain is made even worse by losing them while they are still here.

LMT thank you....you nailed it....better than I could have

Keep writing.

Keep deleting it.

And rewriting it.

For some reason it matters to me what I say.

But I cant find the words.

Bugger. 

No problem Unge,

thoughts count, written, spoken

or just otherwise made known 

It does indeed.