hanging by my boob

While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a
lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician,
say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to
hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too so, I listened as the
lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually
kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from
ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm
Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip
to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to
the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean
in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the
remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body
was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged
between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt
a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a
snag." Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's
wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right
back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly
how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found
me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the
other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting,
Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the
power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much
calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as
though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.
Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo
sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And
silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between
the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed.”

A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for
dinner.  Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice bums.


Ten years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at
the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine
selection was good also.


Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at
the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet
and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.


Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at
the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible
and they even had an elevator.


Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at
the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

-- Politically Incorrect Jokes:

(1) I'm living next door to a Muslim couple at the moment. They have three little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I'm just writing to you while I'm waiting for the kettle to boil.

(2) Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - its make the beast with two backsing hilarious.

(3) I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "good morning you ugly prick?" It's not yours is it?

(4) I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.

(5) Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was colour blind. I'm make the beast with two backsin' worried now that some of my buddies could be black. If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?

(7) There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.

( I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells. Apparently, Mexicans and blacks is not the correct answer.





                                       Mmick

This guy has Talent

Acts 2:38

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
services , when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the
act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins
may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and
explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why
did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to
you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

Send this to someone who needs a laugh today and remember: Knowing
scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean...

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!

Take the ladyboy test:

http://www.bangkokdiaries.com/can-you-tell-the-difference-between-a-thai-lady-and-a-thai-ladyboy/

Kylie makes a bear very happy:

Did the lady and ladyboy test and got 80% correct so not too bad

Quote from: Jukie on December 05, 2011, 11:16:04 PM
Did the lady and ladyboy test and got 80% correct so not too bad

Me too!

Could'nt find out which ones I got wrong, it would'nt connect.







                                             Mmick

I only got 70% - honestly I couldn't really tell, except for their man hands. I just went with the old "would you hit that" system.

I know it's not Friday yet but I couldn't wait with this one.
http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/gallery/gallery-e6frewxi-1225898692450

I apologise in advance if anyone is in this compilation, any resemblance is purely coincidental (and a bit disturbing).

HEALTH MESSAGE   (please give me a break)

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's ass.
It's the tortoise life for me!
1.  If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.  A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3.  A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4.  A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise??  I don't think so.
I'm retired.  Go around me!

When I was in India recently, I saw a sign that said,
'English speaking taxi driver'.

I thought to myself,

   â€œ"What a brilliant  idea. Why don't we have them in Australia ?"”   


                     

VERY NSFW:
If you like facebook, just remember, there's no such thing as privacy on the internet.

http://isanyoneup.com/

Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Sydney and park themselves on a bar stool.  One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we’re joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two VB thanks."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to the States next month," says John. "We go to the States every year, hire a car, and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, The States!" says the bartender. "Wonderful Country ... the climate, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that American crap," says John. "Pies, peas and VB, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the Yanks; they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Aussies."

"So why keep going to The States?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."