Friday Funnies??

[Betty]

Rob, can you tell me where I can pick up a subscription? I'll just need to check with ....


.... ah, forget it.

[FIFO]

Rob, can you tell me where I can pick up a subscription? I'll just need to check with ....


.... ah, forget it.

Your playing with Fire here Betty you know she reads this forum .

[dragonworld.]

 
In the same vein as the previous post.     


Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode
motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

[Jukie]

hey Rob i have already got him washing up for me now

[bazz20]

Your playing with Fire here Betty you know she reads this forum .

betty likes too live dangerous thats why he rides a dukie  i meam a ducati 

[dragonworld.]

Oldies but Goodies!!

Top Four 2009 Adult Jokes   

FOURTH PLACE


A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,

I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Third Place


One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts
rubbing his wife's arm.


The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'


The husband, rejected, turns over.


A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.



'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Runner Up:



Bill worked in a pickle factory.   

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day

to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.   

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.   

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but
Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.


One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could
see at once that something was seriously wrong.


'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.


'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous
urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.


'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'


'Oh...she got fired too.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the
wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast
table together.'

'I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting
here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.   'One's in
your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

[Dannog]

Drink Driving.. THIS is absolutely brilliant!

Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

A true story from the Mount Isa in Queensland .

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.

Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'.

[dragonworld.]

IRISH MILLIONAIRE:

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?' 'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'

A: Sparrow

B: Thrush

C: Magpie

D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin '. Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Dat's simple' cried Paddy......'it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'Of course, I'm sure.'

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris 'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo  is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest?

'Because he lives in a clock.'

[bazz20]

 

[dragonworld.]

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ   
 


(Passing requires 4 correct answers) 



1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?



Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below.



ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?    116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?       Ecuador

3) >From which animal do we get catgut?     Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?     November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?     Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?     Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?     Albert

What color is a purple finch?     Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?       New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?     Orange (of course)

[dragonworld.]

All Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while

> Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his

> age, in a small coastal Irish community.

> After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed

> during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are

> entitled to a climax once in a while.

> So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since

> there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet

> didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his

> mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding

> with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

> So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big
>
> towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would
> cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple
>
> hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them

> as the vet suggested.
>
> After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to

> the Vet.
> The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex
>
> with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and
>
> Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right

> after the other for about two and a half hours.
> When It was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in

> a boastful voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fukkin'
towel!'

[dragonworld.]

 

THIS IS INCREDIBLE... Read all the Numbers....
Slowly and in Order!! 
Be Careful not to MISS  ANY 
1    2   3    4   5    6   7  8  9  10   
11  12  13  14  15  16  17   18   19   
20  21  22   23   24   25   26   27   
28   29  30   
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TOMORROW  I WILL  SEND YOU
THE ABC's 
It so easy to amuse old people.

You know who you are 

[FIFO]

never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women


differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I
don't fee like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me
for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....



__._,_.___

[dragonworld.]

snigger, chuckle, chortle, giggle. 

I wasnt laughing Jukie/Signora M ! Honest I wasnt!! 

[signora monster]

snigger, chuckle, chortle, giggle. 

I wasnt laughing Jukie/Signora M ! Honest I wasnt!! 

That was quite funny, however, you do know that Jukie and I don't fall into this category. We are special.