Friday Funnies??

[Betty]

That was quite funny, however, you do know that Jukie and I don't fall into this category. We are special.

Yeah, I s'pose its a bit uncomfortable having GOLD Sato rearsets dangling from your earlobes.

[dragonworld.]

Cool Person Test.


http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm

[dragonworld.]

What does a baby Seal have in common with Tiger Woods?

Despite laws prohibiting such action......they are still getting clubbed by Norwegians.

[FIFO]

A Chihuahua?

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll.. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to
That bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got the Dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and
Started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahu was a seeing-eye dog
May be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started
To walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua ?"
The woman said indignantly, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a make the beast with two backsing Chihuahua?

[dragonworld.]

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane. His name was Bruce Hard.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke...






'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.' 

[dragonworld.]

DOG for sale...






A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

[dragonworld.]

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 1st November 2009

RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd,
starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty
of drinks!  We'll have a small band playing traditional carols....please feel free to sing along.  And
don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus!  A Christmas tree will be lit at
1.00pm.  Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be
over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline.


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 2nd November 2009

RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognise that
Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not
Christians.  There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung.  We will have other types of music
for your enjoyment.
Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2009

RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking
table...you didn't sign your name.  I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
table that reads "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!! How am I supposed to handle
this?  Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that
£10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap.  NO GIFT
EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2009

RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month
of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.  There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate
how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate  our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off serving
your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag.  Will that work?
Meanwhile, I have arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet
and pregnant women will get the table closet to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other,
Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too.  To the person asking permission
to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.  We will have booster seats for short people.  Low fat food will be available for those
on a diet.  We cannot control the salt used in the food - we suggest those people with high blood pressure
taste the food first.  There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply
"No Sugar" desserts.  Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8th November 2009

RE: The F******* Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks!  I've had it with you people!!!  We're going to keep this party at the Grill House
whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you
so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic
tomatoes.  But you know tomatoes have feelings too.  They scream when you slice them.  I've heard
them scream.  I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The pregnant dog from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 9th November 2009

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward
your cards to her.  In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

[FIFO]

Merry Christmas

[dragonworld.]

THE PROSTATE EXAM

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are
probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The guy obeys and says, '99'!

The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, please take a deep breath and say, '99.'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on  your back with your knees raised slightly.

I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis and your testicles, to keep them out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, '99.'

The guy begins, 'One ............ ......... .Two ............ ........... ......Three.....'.

[Jukie]

naughty naughty naught Dragon 

[dragonworld.]

naughty naughty naught Dragon 

You mean you wouldnt at least ATTEMPT to take FULL advantage of the situation VRNJ Hmmmm???

[dragonworld.]

The Talking Dog.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bullshit Artist. He never did any of that shit.

[dragonworld.]

And "Poof" the light goes on!!


An 80-year-old man goes for a physical... All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.

'Ethel,' George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe   of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?'

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!


Just remember, YOU will be an old fart one day too!! 

[Jukie]

You mean you wouldnt at least ATTEMPT to take FULL advantage of the situation VRNJ Hmmmm???

of course i would FULL ADVANTAGE

[dragonworld.]

Heh! Heh! Heh!  At least marriage improves ones ability to respond to spousal sarcasm?? 
No wonder a man hits the Piss?? 


This Man walked into his bedroom

with a Sheep on a leash and said,

"Honey, this is the Cow

I make love to, when you have a headache."

His Wife, lying in the bed,

reading a book, looked up and said,

"If you weren't such

an Idiot, you'd know that's a Sheep,

Not a Cow."



The Man replied, "If you

weren't such a presumptuous pregnant dog,

You'd realize I

was talking to the Sheep!!"