Friday Funnies??

[Jukie]

Oohh poor Rob sorry to hear about you fireman gone all sad, is there anything I could to to help 

[dragonworld.]

The Penis Poem

My nookie days are over,
my pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
from my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
to find the &*&(&%$ thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
the way it would behave.
For every single morning,
it would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
it sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
and watch me tie my shoes!!

Aaaaaaarrrrgggggh!! Reality SUCKS!! Now were's me walking frame, latex n' leather incontinenve shorts, my Viagra and me dingers!

[dragonworld.]

A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float! Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now The Alphabet:

A's for arthritis;

B's the bad back,

C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;

I for incisions with scars you can show.

Jis for joints, out of socket, won't mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L 's for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!

Uis for urinary; troubles with flow;

V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.

W for worry, now what's going 'round?

X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y for another year I'm left here behind,

Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind!


I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,  and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed! 

[FIFO]

What Starts with F and ends with K ? 

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should?be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. 

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants." ]

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,"Better make Harry the Principal..... I got the last seven questions wrong."

[bikeless]

i failed too   

[vossy]

I wonder if I should try this on my year 8 class first up this morning.





No best not, they might get the right answers.

[FIFO]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar....
Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me..... I am celebrating'

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

What a coincidence,' says the man.. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence. '

[Jukie]

This has probably been up before but who cares

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a
while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help
but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in
Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what
street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in
the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central
part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world.
So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy
Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so
did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I
graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be
smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at
winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe
it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and
orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his
head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

[Dannog]

Warning, not posted to offend any particular nationality, ethic group or local resident.......... but I just couldn't resist!
BANKSTOWN HIGH SCHOOL

MATHEMATICS EXAM




NAME.........................................
GANG.........................................

Time allowed 1 hour:


1. If Mohamed lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on stolen 18-inch Zepter wheels, how many inches has he originally lost from the stock suspension?


2. If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many razors will he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00pm?


3. If Mustapha runs 10 km from the Police in Lakemba to Punchbowl, then steals a car and drives another 5 km to Bankstown , how many kilometres has he travelled if he ends up hiding in WileyPark ?


4. Omar has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an '8 ball' to Hamil for $320.00 and 2 grams to Akhmed for $85.00 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it.?


5. If Ahmed receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from Centrelink, also works for his brother as a builder and receives a further $400.00 per week, and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11 children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed Tarago from the auctions?


6. If the average spray can covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 8 square centimetres, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?


7. If Soula needs 25 mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair, and Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is 47?


8. Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?


9. If Jim changes the oil in his Fish & Chips shop deep fryer every 18 months and this costs him $400.00, how often should he change the oil if he wants to spend only $180.00 per annum on new oil?


10. If Abdul runs a Donor Kebab shop and works as a Taxi driver on weekends and earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for his job search allowance?


11. If Bankstown 's ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5% per month, the overall population increasing at 2.1% per month, at what rate are the Skippies leaving?

[dragonworld.]

African Roulette.

The foreign minister of a small African state had opportunity to visit Russia for the very first time. There he was warmly welcomed by his Russian counterpart, who wined and dined him and generally offered him the best hospitality that Russia could offer.

On his last day, the Russian foreign minister took the African foreign minister into a room with a table on which lay a revolver. "My comrade, since you are about to leave, I must introduce you to a custom we have here in Russia, something called Russian Roulette. It is a true test of manhood and worth, and how it works is that you must take the revolver, spin the cylinders, hold the revolver to your head and then pull the trigger. Only one of the six chambers is loaded."

The African leader, being of proud warrior stock and a courageous man, took the revolver, spun the cylinder, snapped it shut, pointed it at his head and sighed with relief when all he heard was 'click', but no shot.

Well impressed with his bravery, he and the Russian drank vodka until the African leader had to be carried aboard his plane.

Six months later the Russian foreign minister visits the African foreign minister's country. The African, remembering keenly the Russian roulette he had to play previously, took the Russian into a room on the last day of his visit. In the room were six beautiful naked young women.

"To prove your courage and manhood, see before you six of the most beautiful women from each of our tribes. This is something I call 'African Roulette'. You may pick any one of them and they will give you a blowjob."

The Russian, not too averse to this idea at all, asks the African, "But where is the risk? To be called roulette there must be some form of risk involved."
The African smiles broadly, "One of the six is a cannibal!"

[Jukie]

Warning, not posted to offend any particular nationality, ethic group or local resident.......... but I just couldn't resist!
BANKSTOWN HIGH SCHOOL

MATHEMATICS EXAM




NAME.........................................
GANG.........................................

Time allowed 1 hour:


1. If Mohamed lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on stolen 18-inch Zepter wheels, how many inches has he originally lost from the stock suspension?


2. If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many razors will he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00pm?


3. If Mustapha runs 10 km from the Police in Lakemba to Punchbowl, then steals a car and drives another 5 km to Bankstown , how many kilometres has he travelled if he ends up hiding in WileyPark ?


4. Omar has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an '8 ball' to Hamil for $320.00 and 2 grams to Akhmed for $85.00 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it.?


5. If Ahmed receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from Centrelink, also works for his brother as a builder and receives a further $400.00 per week, and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11 children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed Tarago from the auctions?


6. If the average spray can covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 8 square centimetres, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?


7. If Soula needs 25 mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair, and Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is 47?


8. Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?


9. If Jim changes the oil in his Fish & Chips shop deep fryer every 18 months and this costs him $400.00, how often should he change the oil if he wants to spend only $180.00 per annum on new oil?


10. If Abdul runs a Donor Kebab shop and works as a Taxi driver on weekends and earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for his job search allowance?


11. If Bankstown 's ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5% per month, the overall population increasing at 2.1% per month, at what rate are the Skippies leaving?

Hey danno I went to that school hmmm not the boys one the girls one

[Betty]

Warning, not posted to offend any particular nationality, ethic group or local resident.......... but I just couldn't resist!

Hey danno I went to that school hmmm not the boys one the girls one

[dragonworld.]

Paddy and Mick (Yet again! )

Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said:
'Paddy will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in the future?'

"Why?"  Paddy asked.
'Because,' said Mick 'all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday'
Paddy replied 'Silly buggers! - the laugh's on them. I wasn't home yesterday!!'

[dragonworld.]

GHOST SEX

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been  giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed,tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."



 




 
 

[dragonworld.]

Google it - this is absolutely true!




In the sleepy village of Erbum, in the town of Tillet, Hertfordshire 

lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes
She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn.

Her mail is addressed: 


Linda Lykes
The Cock Inn
ERBUM
Tillet,
Herts.