DMF joke thread

[ducpainter]

Conversation in a Kentucky Bar

A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

[swampduc]

Conversation in a Kentucky Bar

A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

I've got friends from Kentucky who'll get to hear this one 

[r_ciao]

Short Management Course

Lesson  5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I  would love to be able to get to the top of that tree'  sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why  don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the  bull. They're packed with nutrients..' The  turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The  next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally  after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He  was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral  of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

More to follow...

[Mojo S2R]

I tried it, I liked it, you will too!!

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.


Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!


SCROLL DOWN.............



















































NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day.  Great job.

Have a glass of wine.

[sno_duc]

WALKING THE DOG


A WOMAN was flying from  Seattle to  San Francisco . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to  Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, ' Kathy , we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up  and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story... Have a great day and remember...












...THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

[mstevens]

True story

Good joke.

Not a true story.

http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/pilotdog.asp

[r_ciao]

Short Management Course

Lesson  6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for  joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1)  Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3)  And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

OK, that was the last one.  Ciao!

[r_ciao]

A man escapes from a prison and breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. I love you, too!"

[fastwin]

  Damn, that's funny!!!

[Goat_Herder]

Short Management Course

Lesson  6

Love those lessons.  You, sir, are wise beyond your years. 

[ducpainter]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident... The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.  While waiting they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven.  St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.....for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together FOREVER?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.  "Yes," he informed the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven.."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering: what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground."What' s wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

[Porsche Monkey]

 

[ryandalling]

More jokes people... I can't make it through a boring day on my own you know...

[erkishhorde]

I think it's a derby but it's still funny:


A Married man goes to the confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman, almost.."

The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man says, "Well, we undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. Now say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."

[ryandalling]

I think it's a derby but it's still funny:


A Married man goes to the confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman, almost.."

The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man says, "Well, we undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. Now say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."

ha ha ha ha ha ha... okay that one is funny.