DMF joke thread

[Howie]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service  for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in   Houma. 
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost, and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late, and saw that the funeral guy was evidently gone, and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

The only people left were the diggers and crew, and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played as I've never played before for this homeless man.

As I played  'Amazing Grace' the workers began to weep. They wept; I wept; we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.  Though my head hung low, my heart was full.


As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say in his folksy way, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[fastwin]

Outstanding! You just made my day!!

[Johnny OrganDonor]

Truths For Mature Humans



1.     I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2.      Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3.       I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4.      There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5.      How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6.      Was learning cursive really necessary?

7.      Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8.      Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9.      I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10.  Bad decisions make good stories.

11.  You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12.  Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13.  I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14.  “Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15.  I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? *** it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16.  I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17.  I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18.  I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19.  I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20.  I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21.  Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22.  I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23.  The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24.  I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25.  How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26.  I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27.  Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28.  Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29.  There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30.  As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

31.  Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32.  Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

[Oldfisti]

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[Oldfisti]

From A Mother With Love


Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

[r_ciao]

DEAF WIFE

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"  "Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

[Desert Dust]

 

[r_ciao]

THE DRUNK VS. THE BIKER

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.  Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.  He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.  His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.   
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,  the best I ever had!' 
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. 
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,  'I'll tell you something else, boy,  your grandma liked it!'   
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says........'Grandpa;... ...... Go home'!

[swampduc]

 

[sno_duc]

Spread the Stupidity

Only in America ...... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front ?
   
   

Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.   
 
   

Only in America ......do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
   
   
   
Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
   
   
Only in America ...........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.. 

   
Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.   
   
   
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
   
   
Why can't women  put on mascara with their mouth closed?   
   
   
Why don't you ever see the headline   
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?   
   
   
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?   
   
   

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
   
   
   

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
   
   

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
   
   
   
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


   
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?   
   
   
   
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 

   
   
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
   
   
   
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
   
   
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?   
   
   
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?   
   
   

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
   
   
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Desert Dust]

^^^^^^^^^^
Excellent stuff!!!!

[J5]

Supposadly true story

Lipstick in School
(You've got to love this Headmistress)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle upon Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Geordie 'Princesses').
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers............and then there are educators.

[fastwin]

True or not that's funny as hell! Wonder who came up with it if it's true? The janitor or headmistress?

[ryandalling]

There is some serious lake of jokes on here this week... somebody save me... these meetings are dull and I need to laugh out loud and have people wonder what I am doing on my laptop. 

[fastwin]

The unemployment rate just hit a 9 month high. Right now there's not much funny. But I sure could use a laugh. Somebody. Anybody? A little help please.