DMF joke thread

[r_ciao]

Be on the look out for these criminals...

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in
dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I
wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowes, Home
Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't
be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as
you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy tank-tops. (It's impossible not to look).

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say, "No", but instead ask
for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the
way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you,
while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
24th, & 29th. I also had it stolen on July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th,
16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of
us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for
$.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores. Also,
you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running
back and forth from Lowes, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to
be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and
around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

Let's be safe out there.

[ducpainter]

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next
      To a doctor at a street light.

      The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of
      Car ya got there, sonny?"

      The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

      "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

      "Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

      The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

      "No problem," replies the doctor.

      So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then,
      Sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice
      Car, all right.... But I'll stick with my Moped!"

      Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man
      Just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the
      Speedometer reads 150 mph..

      Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
      Getting closer !

      He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH!
      Something whips by him going much faster!

      "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.

      He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph.

      Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

      Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and
      Passes the Moped at 200 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he
      Looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

      Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and
      Takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph.

      Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
      The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !

      Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing
      The rear end.

      The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

      He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... Is
      There anything I can do for you ?"

      The old man whispers,

      "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!"

[spolic]

A burglar broke into a house one night.. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze..

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.


'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[fastwin]

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next
     To a doctor at a street light.

     The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of
     Car ya got there, sonny?"

     The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

     "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

     "Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

     The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

     "No problem," replies the doctor.

     So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then,
     Sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice
     Car, all right.... But I'll stick with my Moped!"

     Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man
     Just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the
     Speedometer reads 150 mph..

     Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
     Getting closer !

     He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH!
     Something whips by him going much faster!

     "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.

     He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph.

     Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

     Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and
     Passes the Moped at 200 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he
     Looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

     Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and
     Takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph.

     Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
     The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !

     Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing
     The rear end.

     The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

     He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... Is
     There anything I can do for you ?"

     The old man whispers,

     "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!"

Sorry. Derby. I know it's a little obscure but it's from my birthday thread last week on the DFWM forum.

[ducpainter]

Sorry. Derby.

Big make the beast with two backsing deal.

link or it doesn't count.

[fastwin]

Your'e right. It's not a big make the beast with two backsing deal! Still, funny damn joke!!

[lethe]

A Flounder can never Derby as they can go back in time and delete the first instance.

[fastwin]

A good joke is a good joke. It's really acutally Derby proof. There's probably a forum rule about that.

[ducpainter]

Your'e right. It's not a big make the beast with two backsing deal! Still, funny damn joke!!

but your birthday is...

you're old.

[fastwin]

  Hey, another good year above ground! All is good. We have so much to teach the young ones!

[Pip]

Hey, another good year above ground! All is good. We have so much to teach the young ones!

::pulls out pen and notepad::

Go ahead... oldtimer. 

[Buckethead]

Well, you can start by getting off my lawn.

[Pip]

You'd better not hit me with that cane.

[fastwin]

Where to start? You've probably forgotten more than I will ever know. I'm lucky I can type this post! You'd better stay off my damn lawn and I can whip a cane like Bruce Lee. You've been warned.

[Pip]

Where to start? You've probably forgotten more than I will ever know. I'm lucky I can type this post! You'd better stay off my damn lawn and I can whip a cane like Bruce Lee. You've been warned.