The worst place youve ever had to "go".

[Jumptship]

During my tour to Korea it was "mandatory" for everyone to visit the DMZ.  A hot, stinky 3+ hour bus ride from Kunsan...Lunch was served at the most northern Army post cafeteria.  After lunch we were taken to the clubhouse of what has been labeled "World's Most Dangerous Golf Course", a 1-hole putting green just yards from the mine field that keeps us from them and them from us.

While browsing in the clubhouse I feel the familiar rumblings.  Then the sweats start, not the "Oh gosh, it's hot" sweats but the cold sweats everyone knows accompanies the feelings of imminent doom.

Just as I was looking to the rest room through the crowd of 50 other GIs I hear the guide say the bus is leaving in 5 minutes.  I burst into the stall and struggle with the dress uniform to free the clasp on the pants.  Taking note of the time I now have 4 minutes...

The agony lasted for what seemed like hours and just would not stop.  Numerous times telling myself I was done and about to get up when it would start again.  2 minutes remaining.

Finally, I prepared myself to exit the bathroom and walked into an empty clubhouse.  Panic came over me as I hoped to God the bus was still there.  I walked outside and saw the guide give me the look that said "we are all waiting on you..." 

Getting on the bus, a couple buddies snicker ask if I am ok since I was looking a little pale.  Just told them to be glad we got out of there before anyone else had to use the stall!

[ducatiz]

During my tour to Korea it was "mandatory" for everyone to visit the DMZ.  A hot, stinky 3+ hour bus ride from Kunsan...Lunch was served at the most northern Army post cafeteria.  After lunch we were taken to the clubhouse of what has been labeled "World's Most Dangerous Golf Course", a 1-hole putting green just yards from the mine field that keeps us from them and them from us.

While browsing in the clubhouse I feel the familiar rumblings.  Then the sweats start, not the "Oh gosh, it's hot" sweats but the cold sweats everyone knows accompanies the feelings of imminent doom.

Just as I was looking to the rest room through the crowd of 50 other GIs I hear the guide say the bus is leaving in 5 minutes.  I burst into the stall and struggle with the dress uniform to free the clasp on the pants.  Taking note of the time I now have 4 minutes...

The agony lasted for what seemed like hours and just would not stop.  Numerous times telling myself I was done and about to get up when it would start again.  2 minutes remaining.

Finally, I prepared myself to exit the bathroom and walked into an empty clubhouse.  Panic came over me as I hoped to God the bus was still there.  I walked outside and saw the guide give me the look that said "we are all waiting on you..." 

Getting on the bus, a couple buddies snicker ask if I am ok since I was looking a little pale.  Just told them to be glad we got out of there before anyone else had to use the stall!

and not a drop on the dress blues?

[WarrenJ]

When I was growing up, we didn't have running water or indoor plumbing until I was a teenager.  On a winter evening when it was -20F and the door to the outhouse had blown open allowed a large drift of snow to cover the seat - lets just say it gives one a great appreciation of indoor plumbing and warm bathrooms.

[Dannyboy]

1995 at this dirty little punk rock club in Ft. Worth, called The Engine Room to see Pennywise.  I made the mistake of eating Taco Bell before hand.  Sometime during one of the opening acts, I started getting the cramps.  I decided to do a shitter recon at that point and was less than impressed.  There were 2 bathrooms.  One had a stall with a non-working toilet.  The other had a working toilet but was wide open for all the world to see.  That ain't happening.  I'm starting to get desperate now but I really didn't want to use either option I had inside.  So, I go to the door and the guy says if I go out I can't come back in.  I tell the guy I really need to get my medication out of the car and he finally relents.  I'm dangerously close to assplosion right now.  I'm walking with my cheeks clenched tight enough to make a diamond until I get to the alley, out of the door guy's vision and then I speedwalk over to the dumpsters.  I barely had my pants down before I'm painting the wall.  Oh man, it was foul.  Pennywise made it an awesome night despite all that, though.

[Le Pirate]

I have certain stomach issues. When I was a teenager, I took a medication called "Accutane" that apparently has destroyed my intestines in some way...I actually have an appointment coming up to find out more about it. Regardless, when I have to go, my body usually gives me about 30 seconds notice before total destruction. I've become somewhat of a pro at the "scout as you go" method of restroom reconnaissance. My eyes are constantly scouting as I'm driving for a 7-11 or a bush that would provide adequate cover. Everytime I enter a store, I immediately locate the sign pointing out the "library", as my wife now calls it for code.

It's a miserable existance...but it's mine.


Before I moved last year, I lived it a decent size city in north Texas. I lived in this great neighborhood with pretty streets, and well kept yards, and wooden fences. The only problem was, coming home there was a good 5-10 minutes of driving through residental streets. No businesses. No wilderness. Just well kept front yards.

One afternoon, my wife and I had gone out for an early dinner, as we were expected somewhere later that evening...Don't remember where. We road our bicycles that day as it was a nice 75 degrees out in the early evening. We left the restraunt and I was feeling great...passed through the retail part of town and still feeling great...hit the residental part of town and --rumble--. At this point I wasn't that far from home. Probably equal distance back. Start scouting  . Now the problem with this area of town on this particular day was....everyone was home...and out side. Walking dogs and playing with kids in the yard. There was no way I was going to be able to dart off and hid behind some tulips. I was screwed. At this point...I'm still about 12 blocks from home --rumblerumblerumble--. I'm sweating, and I've picked up the pace. The wife doesn't know whats going on yet and assumes I'm just being an ass cause she was trying to enjoy the ride home. ---RUMBLE---RUMMMMBURMUBJURMBURMRU. 4 blocks to go...dead sprint. 3 blocks--2 blocks--1 block and GAME...I could see my front door when I ran out of strength.



Straight to the bathroom. Had to throw away my jeans and my boxers. Into the the shower to wash off and clean up. Clean clothes...then outside to get my bike and explain to the wife what had happend. Of course, she had figured it out....and I'm pretty sure she was trying not to laugh at me. I went ahead and gave the bike a bath too...it hadn't got any "damage" but I couldn't live with it knowing what had happend without washing it.


So there you go...my worst place ever....on a bike 

and I just told the world about it on the internet 

[RAT900]

^^^^ Damn^^^^   

So for you,,, there is no such thing as passing the casual fart huh?....

unless you are feeling adventurous

and decide to play a game of Rectal Roulette

wow man I am sorry ....that condition has to suck

[zooom]

for me as a 7 yo kid...I was at a formal dinner at the Officers Club with my grandfather at Andrews AFB. Off the main dining room where the live jazz band was playing, there was the main restrooms which had an entry alcove for pre or post activities and then a huge long row of urinals...now in retrospect, there were probably only 20, but it seemed like there had to be 40 or more. It was so long, and no sight of the stalls, that I assumed there were none ( they were actually all the way at the end around the corner, was a compliment of many, just backing up to the wall of the urinals). I had to go bad,and as a kid you wear your lil suit and you don't want to mess it up or anything, especially being far from home. So, snap decision is made. I drop trou and try and figure out how to hop up backwards into the urinal to lay my load, as the urinal was the V-shaped kind that was adult height. Once I get situated, I start to unleash to a nervous relief, when the coat room attendant walks in and backs up. He tried to act as cool as he could and sort of stood guard at the gate for me, as it were. I finish up, but now have to wipe. Pants still at my knees, I realize I have to hop out of my predicament and waddle nervously across the room. I grab the paper towels and wipe and practically wash my backside putting all my waste in the can. I flushed the urinal kind of pointlessly, but felt compelled to do it as being the right thing to do. As I leave the bathroom, the coatroom attendant asked if I was okay, and I embarrasingly say yes and thank you.

I rejoined my family for the very nice dinner and did not go back to the bathroom out of embarrasement more than anything. It was a big deal for me at the time to go the AOC for dinner with my Grandparents, to whom I always gave the utmost of respect. On the way out the door, my mom was getting her coat and the attendant looked at me and gave me a wink as of to say it was okay and that my secret was safe with him.

[Le Pirate]

^^^^ Damn^^^^   

So for you,,, there is no such thing as passing the casual fart huh?....

unless you are feeling adventurous

and decide to play a game of Rectal Roulette

wow man I am sorry ....that condition has to suck

I guess it's something you get used to after a while.

The two biggest things are...I can't wake up in the morning and just leave. If I'm going somewhere, I always wake up atleast a couple hours before I need to leave the house. Coffee is dangerous. I don't think I have to explain.

The other...If we eat dinner at a restraunt, I usually finish eating...then hang out and chat at the table for another 30 minutes or so. Just incase.

I generally don't eat snacks or have drinks in the car.

[badgalbetty]

the worst place I ever had to go is quite simply war.It simply put is the most hideous thing you can imagine multiply it a million fold add filth,disease,smells, intense fear,blood,horror,noise,cold,heat,hunger,thirst,sleep depravation,and you have some idea. I do not glorify it in any way, I loathe it. I am not a warrior, I am a human who would prefer to spend her time in her garden laughing and cooking with family and friends. There never has been,never will be,anything good about war despite what hollywood and some people may say. Those that say they love it are either twisted in some way or have never been.
Erica.

[DRKWNG]

You done?

[rgramjet]

the worst place I ever had to go is quite simply war.It simply put is the most hideous thing you can imagine multiply it a million fold add filth,disease,smells, intense fear,blood,horror,noise,cold,heat,hunger,thirst,sleep depravation,and you have some idea. I do not glorify it in any way, I loathe it. I am not a warrior, I am a human who would prefer to spend her time in her garden laughing and cooking with family and friends. There never has been,never will be,anything good about war despite what hollywood and some people may say. Those that say they love it are either twisted in some way or have never been.
Erica.

Um, this is a thread about poop.  Please don't muddy it up.

[ItsaDuc]

I guess it's something you get used to after a while.

The two biggest things are...I can't wake up in the morning and just leave. If I'm going somewhere, I always wake up atleast a couple hours before I need to leave the house. Coffee is dangerous. I don't think I have to explain.

The other...If we eat dinner at a restraunt, I usually finish eating...then hang out and chat at the table for another 30 minutes or so. Just incase.

I generally don't eat snacks or have drinks in the car.

Your condition sounds very familiar to my brother. He does the same scouting the area and is always packing wipes on him. Know you are not alone. I am going to ask him about that drug though, because it is too similar to your story.

[Mother]

during the last few feet of the mad dash and frantic blind search for the belt buckle

I always hear INXS "Devil Inside"

it makes me 

[Le Pirate]

Your condition sounds very familiar to my brother. He does the same scouting the area and is always packing wipes on him. Know you are not alone. I am going to ask him about that drug though, because it is too similar to your story.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

I guess I'm glad I told the internets my embarrassing story 

Other than the fact that it's pretty damn funny, I've got a couple suggestions for medications to take....which is great. Of course, I can never look any of you in the eye anymore when I meet you 

[RAT900]

Thanks. I appreciate it.

I guess I'm glad I told the internets my embarrassing story 

Other than the fact that it's pretty damn funny, I've got a couple suggestions for medications to take....which is great. Of course, I can never look any of you in the eye anymore when I meet you 

Well you can rest assured there will be money exchanging hands when you make the dash

if you're with this crew