Friday Funnies??

[gino]

Dragon, your a bad ass shit mother f*$#er you are

[dragonworld.]

Who?? Me?? 

Of course not! I'm just a meek, mildmannered clean living, sober of habit sorta fella!!

And if you believe that..............It just so happens I've got a bridge I'd like to sell! 

[dragonworld.]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

***************** 


A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
**************** 



Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'
**************** 



A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
*************** 



Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
*************** 



An elderly couple is attending Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.' 

[dragonworld.]

This is amusing but, has certain elements of truth in it?? 

Men Are Just Happier People



NICKNAMES

·        If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

·        If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fatboy ,  Egghead and Brainless.



EATING OUT

·        When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

·        When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.



MONEY

·        A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

·        A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.



BATHROOMS

·        A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

·        The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.



ARGUMENTS

·        A woman has the last word in any argument.

·        Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



FUTURE

·        A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

·        A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



SUCCESS

·        A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

·        A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



MARRIAGE

·        A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

·        A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



DRESSING UP

·        A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

·        A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



NATURAL

·        Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

·        Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



OFFSPRING

·        Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

·        A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.





THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[FIFO]

This is amusing but, has certain elements of truth in it?? 

NATURAL

·        Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

[dragonworld.]

Hmmmm, Jukie must be asleep?? I havent got any grief from her over that last one!! 

[Betty]

Hmmmm, Jukie must be asleep??

Yes.

I havent got any grief from her over that last one!! 

Well, so few of those are relevant to her.

[Jukie]

So true betty hmmm I must be an extrodinary girl

[dragonworld.]

So true betty hmmm I must be an extrodinary girl

So very true!! Our RNJ is something special, thats fer sure!! 

[Jukie]

Awww thanks dragon

[dragonworld.]

Awww thanks dragon

[dragonworld.]

WHERE WOULD YOU BE:

IF -YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?

IF -YOU HAD NO WORRIES?

IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU

IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?

IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?

IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,

WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?



SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?

HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!



YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG PHARKING HOUSE!!

[dragonworld.]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a good looking, gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties, the other an old golfer in his sixties.


The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.  This is one ferocious lion. 

He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. 

Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"


The girl says, "I'll go first." 

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. 

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her.

He continues to lick her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.


The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

He stammers, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the old golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The craggy old golfer replies,

"Yeah.....no problem, just get that lion out of there."

[dragonworld.]

The Lone Ranger's
     Last Request



The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. 


The Indian Chief proclaims,


"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ... 





"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" 

"What is your FIRST request???' 

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. 

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. 

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed. 
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days." 

"What is your SECOND request???" 


The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. 

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. 

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,  this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow." 

"What is your LAST request " 

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse,  ....  alone." 

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent. 

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"READ MY LIPS!!!!"
FOR... THE... LAST.. TIME...

     
"BRING POSSE"

[dragonworld.]

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.


She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!


Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.