Friday Funnies??

[FIFO]

Never question a drunk

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A) 1 litre of 2% fat reduced milk
B) Dozen fresh eggs
C) 250ml bottle of orange juice
D) a head of lettuce
E) 500 gm jar of coffee
F) 250 gm pack of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out,
a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of
the
cashier.


While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued
by the
derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.


I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual
about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my
marital
status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are
correct, but
how on earth did you know that?'




The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

[Jukie]

Ohhh that's a bit nasty RobS sorry I mean DOM 

[dragonworld.]

The Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect,  they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office

and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce  would depend on the circumstances,

and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete..

I don't think you understand.

Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .


Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. 


She buy a bottle at drugstore 

and put on shelf in bathroom.


I can read... it say:

~~~Polish Remover~~~

[dragonworld.]

 Snoring

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the
    wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

     The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles,
    and he will stop snoring.

     "Yeah right!" she says.

     A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.
    The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she
goes
    to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully
around
    the dog's testicles.. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is
    amazed.

     Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out
    drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins
    snoring loudly.
     The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to
    the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her
    husband's testicles.

     Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

     The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the
    bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror
and
    sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and
as he
    walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his
dog's
    testicles.

     He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,

     "I don't know where we were ...

     or what we did ...

     but, by God ...

     We took FIRST and SECOND place!!!


But where do we attach the ribbon to a female?? 

Oh thats right! Women dont snore do they!?! 

[dragonworld.]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque,

she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

she looks at the flabbergasted teller,

and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great.....

Some asshole's got my pen!'





 

[FIFO]

"OLDTIMERS" TEST

How fast can you guess these words?


1. F_ _K

2.. PU_S_

3. S_X

4. P_N_S

5.. BOO_S

6. _ _NDOM




Answers Below










Answers:










1. FORK

2.. PULSE

3. SIX

4. PANTS

5.. BOOKS

6. RANDOM


You got all 6 right...................... I hope? 

[dragonworld.]

The definitive explanation of ...
> MARKETING
>
>
> This will clear up any confusion ...
>
> You're a woman and you see a handsome man at a party.
> You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
> That's Direct Marketing.
>
> You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome man.
> One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
> That's Advertising.
>
> You see a handsome man at a party.
> You go up to himand get his telephone number.
> The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
> That's Telemarketing.
>
> You see a man at a party, you straighten your dress.
> You walk up to him and pour him a drink.
> You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie,
> brushing your breast lightly against his arm...
> And then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
> That's Public Relations.
>
> You're at a party and see a handsome man.
> He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed."
> That's Brand Recognition.
>
> You're at a party and see a handsome man.
> He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
> That's a Sales Rep.
>
> Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you.
> That's Tech Support.
>
> You're on your way to a party when you realize
> that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing.
> So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the centre
> and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
> That's Junk Mail.
>
> I hope you all have a complete understanding of Marketing now   



> 

[Betty]

You got all 6 right...................... I hope? 

Nope, I got Pints & Boots ... what does that say about me?
Bike riders mindset?

[cakeman]

well.... its just funny  . If its to crass, let me know and ill take it down

[FIFO]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'


The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $39,000 a year and you get $2,000,000, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'


The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic.........
Try doing it with the engine running. 

[dragonworld.]

Internet Warning:


If you get an e-mail titled - Nude photo of Julia Gillard, don't open it!






It contains a nude photo of Julia Gillard.........

(Is she a REAL redhead?? )

[dragonworld.]

This isnt anybody here by any chance?? 

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping


Dear Mrs. XXXXXX

Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your
husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calorgas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8.. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled' PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

[dragonworld.]

New Job At The Zoo

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?"

The other lions say, "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."


HHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!! 

[vossy]

A biker goes to the Doctor with a hearing problems.
"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the Doctor.

"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard an d Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

[ungeheuer]

14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'