Friday Funnies??

[dragonworld.]

2011 New Prayer 
 



Dear God,
All I ask for in 2011 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body… please don’t mix these up like you did last year.
Amen

[dragonworld.]

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.




A short love story


Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing the compartment,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,....'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,..... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!.......................That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied.  .............'Get your own f****** blanket.'


After a moment of silence, .......................he farted.

The  End

[dragonworld.]

AIDS WARNING


To all of you approaching 50 or who have REACHED 50 and past, this email is especially for you...........

 
 
SENIOR CITIZENS  ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!   



HEARING AIDS 

BAND AIDS 

ROLL AIDS 

WALKING AIDS 

MEDICAL AIDS 

GOVERNMENT AIDS 

MOST OF ALL,   

FINANCIAL AID TO THEIR CHILDREN!



Not forgetting HIV
(Hair Is Vanishing)     



 

[rendang]

 
 
SENIOR CITIZENS  ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!   



HEARING AIDS 

BAND AIDS 

ROLL AIDS 

WALKING AIDS 

MEDICAL AIDS 

GOVERNMENT AIDS 

MOST OF ALL,   

FINANCIAL AID TO THEIR CHILDREN!



Not forgetting HIV
(Hair Is Vanishing)     

   I highly resemble resent this post.   

[dragonworld.]

Oh Goodie, I'm not alone then!!

[monstermick58]

Oh Goodie, I'm not alone then!!

Its getting a wee bit crowded in hear 






                                      Mmick

[dragonworld.]

Subject: FW: They walk among us..... This IS scary!! 








Have a wee smile….


 


IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25 cents.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25 c, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a large enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in=0D Ipswich, Qld.


IDIOT SIGHTING :

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road. The reason:- Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Collingwood, Melbourne. =

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Bankstown, Sydney.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

This happened in Elizabeth S.A.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signalled blind
people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a government employee in Adelaide P.O.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our
"navy"car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the  driver’s
side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it’s open!'
His reply,  'I know. I already got that side'

STAY ALERT!   
They walk among us...

 

[dragonworld.]

 ONLY AUSSIES
> Being Australian is about driving in a German car
> to an Irish pub for A Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian
> curry or A Turkish kebab, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American
> shows on a Japanese TV.
> Oh and....
> Only in Australia .... can a pizza get to your house faster than an
> ambulance
> Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to
> the back of the shop to get milk while healthy people can buy cigarettes at
> the front.
> Only in Australia ....
> do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
> Only in Australia ...
> do banks leave both doors wide open and chain the pens to the counters.
> Only in Australia ...
> do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars
> in the driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
> NOT TO MENTION....
> A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency
> in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
> and finally.........
> In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull
> whilst throwing up into the toilet.

> IF YOU'RE PROUD
> TO BE AUSTRALIAN
> SEND THIS ON

[dragonworld.]

A lot of folks can't understand how we  came

to have an oil shortage here in Australia.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

Bass Strait

~~~

East Queensland Shale Fields

~~~

Canning Basin

~~~

Perth Basin and North-West Continental Shelf

~~~





Our DIPSTICKS are  located in Canberra!!!



Any questions???



NO?  I didn't think so. 

[loony888]

gold, but dipsticks is too kind a term i think.

i want one of these!

http://vrimz.com/soundracer

[heatherp]

gold, but dipsticks is too kind a term i think.

i want one of these!

http://vrimz.com/soundracer

What a find Looney.  LSHMSFOAIDMT 

[dragonworld.]

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"   
 
The clerk asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am.  But let me ask you something.
“If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"





The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings."   

[Wells]

A week after Paddy's day.. Some limericks for you!
http://limerickdb.com/?top150

Sure, some nerdy limericks, but limericks all the same.

[dragonworld.]

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...


"OK, I give up. Where's the make the beast with two backsin' ship?"

[FIFO]

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a light bulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty

5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and their own light bulbs

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs"

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that Julia or Tony aren't
the brightest bulb.

4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.