The difference between Grandpa and Grandma





Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?

Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.  Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his  wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, Granddad' the girl replied, 'and do you know what?

'We didn't see a single arsehole, blind bastard, dip shit or wanker anywhere we went today!'

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten

roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup

pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached

them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which

rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by

just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but

this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy

chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters

coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it

couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence

County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the 

"No Bell Piece Prize,"  but they also awarded him the 

"Pulletsurprise"  as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.   Who else but

a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted

awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the

unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't

paying attention.

Vote carefully on August 21, the bells are not always audible.

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and asheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised thatthey were stranded on a deserted island.


After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animalcompanions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.


One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrusclouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.


As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonelyman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.


But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until theman took his arm from around the sheep.


After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, butthere was no more cuddling.


A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.The only survivor was Julia Gillard.


That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual. It wasanother beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze- perfect for a night of romance.


Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.


He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leanedover to Julia and told her he hadn't had sex for months.


Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do forhim.


He said, 'Could you take the dog for a walk!'

When Insults Had Class   

These  glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.


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"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
 
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."  - Winston Churchill
 
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
 
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
 
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." -  Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... If you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... If there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
 
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
 
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator" - John Bright
 
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing  trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in  others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
 
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -  Mae West

"Some  cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support  rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -  Groucho Marx 

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:  She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it." 
 
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress." 

THE 6 BEST SMART-ASS  ANSWERS


SMART  ASS ANSWER #6
It was  mealtime during a flight on American Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the  flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John  asked.
"Yes or no," she  replied.


SMART ASS ANSWER  #5
A flight attendant was stationed  at the departure  gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended  her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed  her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not  your stub."


SMART ASS ANSWER  #4
A lady was picking through the  frozen turkeys at  the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough  for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're  dead."


SMART ASS ANSWER  #3
The cop got out of his car and  the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been  waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got  here as fast as  I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent  the  kid on his way without a ticket.


SMART ASS ANSWER  #2
A truck driver was driving along  on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead".
Before  he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the  bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes  up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his  hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says,  "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."



SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE  YEAR 2007
A college teacher reminds her  class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses  for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a  serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but  that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of  the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said  I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"
The entire  class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly  says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam  with  your other hand."

This is definately worth a look, i am sure that we can all relate to what he is saying....  enjoy...!

The man drawer-we all have one-amazing 5min stand up

brian

what do you call a dead dog on the bottom of your swimming pool.








a fully sick sub woofer

Ooooh vossy, I've got into trouble with some of my "animal lover" friends after forwarding that one on!! 

In the immortal words of Maxwell Smart agent '86

"Sorry about that Chief"

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

For whatever reason....

Waterbridge Elementary Bomb Scare

My little pony.....

Don't Mess with Farm Kids

A young boy comes down for breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his hores.

Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.
When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.
When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal? 'he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You gonna tell him or should I’ 

Thanks to all my email buddies

  As we progress into the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your
educational e-mails over the pastyear. I am totally screwed up now and have
little chance of recovery.

  I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the
waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
bacteria on the lemon peel.

  I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last
person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

  I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what
has happened on it since it was last washed.

  I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

  Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

  I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of
a public bathroom.

  I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.

  ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

  I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die for the  1,387,258th time.

  I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

  I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

  I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of
ice with my kidneys gone.

  I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

  I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

  THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

  BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

  I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a
serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

  I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products
are atheists who refuse to put ~Under GodT on their cans.

  I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.

  AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for
life.

  I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle
infected with AIDS when I sit  down.

  I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

  I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al
Qaeda agents in disguise.

  And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

  I no longer buy cookies from Newman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

  THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black
snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.

  AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting to grab me as I bend over.

  I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports
Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American
dictators.

  I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin
Spider and my hand will fall off.

  If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-laws second
husband's cousin's best friend's beautician. .

You gotta love a good nurse! 
   
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him afterwards that all was well. 
     
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his 'private' area. Worried that it might mean a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him  about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough, so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.   
   
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: 


'Get well soon... from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'

KNOW IT ALL!! 


********************************* ********************************************
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for

Blood plasma.
********************************* ******************************************
No piece of paper can be folded in half

more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait...
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Donkeys kill more people annually

than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass )
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You burn more calories sleeping

than you do watching television.
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Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
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The first product to have a bar code

was Wrigley's gum.
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The King of Hearts is the only king

WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
***************************************************************************
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive

from each salad served in first-class.
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Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you ?)
(That women are going the 'right' direction...?)

*********************************************************************
Apples, not caffeine,

are more efficient at waking you up in the morning .
************************************ ***********************************
Most dust particles in your house are made from

DEAD SKIN !
************************************************************************ ****
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.
***************************************************************************
Walt Disney was afraid

     OF MICE!
**************************************************************************
PEARLS DISSOLVE

IN VINEGAR !
*********************************************************************
The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
**********************************************************************
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...

but, not downstairs.

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A duck's quack doesn't echo,

and no one knows why.
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Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)
***************************************************

And the best for last....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU ?)

So.......................

Now you know everything!?