Friday Funnies??

[dragonworld.]

Nothing to Live For?? 


Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now...
No Jesus
No Christmas
No television
No lapdancers
No rugby
No football
No darts
No golf
No pubs
No Tesco
No Homebase
No BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No shellfish
No pizza
No wine
No beer
No cricket.
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
But your donkey has a better disposition
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here?     
 




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[suzyj]

What does a St Kilda fan do when they win the grand final?


















They turn off the playstation and go to bed...

Sorry, I know it's a low blow, but I couldn't resist.

[dragonworld.]

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED

What is the difference between girls/women
aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?

***********************************************************************************

At 8

You take her to bed and tell her a story

***********************************************************************************

At 18

You tell her a story and take her to bed

***********************************************************************************

At 28

You don't need to tell her a story
to take her to bed

***********************************************************************************

At 38

She tells you a story and takes you to bed

***********************************************************************************

At 48

She tells you a story to avoid going to bed

***********************************************************************************

At 58

You stay in bed to avoid her story

***********************************************************************************

At 68

If you take her to bed, that'll be a story

***********************************************************************************

At 78

What story? What bed?
Who the hell are you?

***********************************************************************************

According to the
Office for National Statistics

190,374
people are having sex right now

212,130
are kissing

and one poor bastard
is reading this
You hang in there sunshine!













 

[dragonworld.]

Subject: 3 Coins

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts

slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue

business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and

sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from 
her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last

coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father 
and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,

"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.

Are you a doctor?"

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Australian Taxation Office.'

[dragonworld.]

IT'S NOT TRUE THAT ONLY A "DOG PERSON" WOULD TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY



Stay



I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled
Down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.



She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"


"Stay! Stay!"





The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,
gave me a strange look and said,



"Why don't you just put it in Park?"

[dragonworld.]

Students  at a local school were assigned to read two books,  'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill  Clinton.





One  student turned in the following book report, with the  proposition that they were nearly identical stories!   

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this  report. 


Titanic:         cost -  $29.99
Clinton:       cost -  $29.99

Titanic:        Over 3  hours to  read
Clinton:       Over 3  hours to read

Titanic:        The story of  Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent  catastrophe.
Clinton:       The  story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden  love,  and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:        Jack is  a starving artist.
Clinton:       Bill is  a bullsh*t artist.

Titanic:        In one scene,  Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:       Ditto  for Bill.

Titanic:        During the ordeal, Rose's  dress gets ruined.
Clinton:       Ditto for  Monica.

Titanic:        Jack teaches Rose to  spit.
Clinton:       Let's  not go there.

Titanic:        Rose gets to keep her  jewellery
Clinton:       Monica is  forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:        Rose  remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:       Clinton remembers  Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic:        Rose  goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:       Monica...ooh,let's not go there,  either.

Titanic:        Jack surrenders to an icy  death.
Clinton:       Bill goes  home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

[J5]

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=300484993180&fromMakeTrack=true&ssPageName=VIP:watchlink:top:en

#### WEDDING DRESS DIVORCE SALE ####
OWNED BY A BRAINLESS COW, LIVING SOMEBODY ELSES LIFE...

Hello All,

You are bidding on a beautiful wedding dress.

But before you buy, you need to listen, then you can buy...

We go back 11yrs, i was young and stupid and full of sperm, and she was a glamour!!!

So after meeting up with this gorgeous girl, to me it was like love at first sight, i was yep this girl is the one, we did everything together, we went everywhere together, it was like, non stop love...

so after living together for 4 years i thought it was time to pop the big question, so stupid me, i use all my savings and i go and buy a 5k ring, i then organized a holiday for 7 nights in a 5 star resort at cairns, we had a ball. (if i could freeze time, i would still be there) 

So i planned how to propose; we where going down the big chair lift thing,(it was huge) we had it all to ourselves, floating through lush tropical forest, and once your about half way, you can see the great barrier reef on one side and the tropical forrest on the other, so i said wow this is it,(so i pulled out a distraction) look at the colourful bird, so she turned around, once she turned back i was already on my knee, and i had the ring ready, and i said, will you marry me, the feeling was so amazing, it was like we where actually floating in the sky, she had tears in her eyes, and i was so overwhelmed, i had tears in my eyes as well, we hugged and kissed for a couple of minutes, and we then took a photo of the moment, 1 word to describe this was AMAZING!!!

From there we got married, we had 2 kids, and life was grand, well thats what i thought... she started to become more distant from me after our 2nd child was born, i was so caught up spending time and loving my kids i become complacent with her, i did not see the signs, the signs she was freaking banging somebody else!!!!!

SERIOUSLY, YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEBODY, AND THEY GO AND SHOVE EVERYTHING YOU EVER HAD, AND THROW IT BACK IN YOUR FACE!!!

She'd rather be out banging her home wrecking boss than be home with her family!!! 

stupid me again, i even try to win her back, but not realising she was not the same person anymore, she was so brainwashed by a homewrecker, her mind become dust.


So back to the wedding dress, it is for sale, and i am now being forced to sell everything i own as i need to pay the solicitors for my divorce, i dont know why i have to pay, shes the one whos banging her boss!!!

I have no idea what we paid for it, i know its well over $4000, i know i will not get that much, but i would rather sell for 0.99 then to give it to a cheating soon to be Xwife

Size: she was between a size 10 and 12

Have a look at my other items, i am selling everything starting at 99c, it all ends over 2 days any questions please shoot away...

[DUCMONROB]

I am a little concerned J5??


Why were you looking for a wedding dress?

[heatherp]

Maybe that's J5 in the dress!! 

[FIFO]

Maybe that's J5 in the dress!! 

The thought crossed my mind as well

Shure is some funny stuff

[DUCMONROB]

The listing has been removed?


J5 did you buy the dress?

[J5]

nah i didnt buy it

was tempting , a mail order bride , a mail order dress , done deal  

weddings and wives , who needs em

reminds me of the ebay auction from the past for a helmet

http://www.nmdrc.com/photogallery/Funnybone/ebay_helmet.pdf

"This Helmet is like brand new. I bought it for my wife, but it's to small for her big fat head.You know, it was all a big lie right from the beginning. I asked her if she liked bikes, (i've been riding since i was 9 years old.) She's like "Yeah, I loveMotorcycles, they're great!" Now, i'm thinking to myself, this chicks cool, she's hot, has big jugs, and loves motorcycles.

I gotta snag this one up quick.

Little did i know that as soon as i gave her the engagement ring, all that would change. First, it was a subtle hint, you know, that the wedding's going to be expensive, and that that band costs just as much as my motorcycle. With all these wedding plans going on, i hardly have time to ride my bike. I'm schleping all over the state looking at reception halls, listening to cheesy wedding bands, and picking out floral arrangements. She brings up the fact that i havn't ridden my bike in a while now, (No kidding!! She won't let me out of her sight for more than 5 minutes!) and that maybe i should sell it.



Now, that brings a whole lot of tension into the situation. I'm like no way! Then i notice that our sex life has reduced dramatically. A man has gotta do, what he's gotta do, so, i sell the bike, thinking that things will get better. She promises me, that as soon as we get married, she'll get a good job, and then i can get another bike. We get married, and we're having sex everyday. Life is good.



The Evil One is looking for work for like, 6 months. I find it hard to believe that she can't find a damn job, but who am i to say? She's just holding out for that Management position she says. To be quite honest, i really don't care, she's cleaning my pipes better than Roto Rooter. Then the kicker...She tells me she's pregnant. All the while i thought she was on the pill! I ask her how this happened, and she said the pill gave her facial hair. (I really couldn't see a difference, after all she is Italian). Fast Foward 9 months...i'm out breaking my back doing manual labour, she's a big, fat, hairy lipped beach ball, with the disposition of a rabid Pit Bull. Nothing i say, or do is good enough for her. The day she gave birth, i thought again, that things will change for the better. WRONG!! Now everythings about the baby. Me, i'm
second fiddle. Sex life? Ha! The only time i get some action is when i see her breast feeding the little bastard! I'm going crazy, at least if i had a motorcycle, i could take out some of my frustration. Even the guys at work notice how miserable i've been.



One day, my partner rolls up on a brand new bike. I wanted to commit suicide. He knows how bad i wanted another bike. He see's the look in my eye, and asks me if i would like to take it out for a spin Friday night. It was truly the first time i lit up since marrying that pregnant dog. Friday rolls around, i cash my check, and head on over to my partners house. I cruise around for a while, and end up at this little bar on the edge of town. I head up to the bar, place my helmet on it, and order a beer. I look over and see this little hottie chatting it up with her friends. I notice that the eye contact is getting more and more frequent. After a few more minutes, she walks over to me and tells me she just loves motorcycles. That they get her "excited". I ask her if she wants to go for a ride. Her beautifully full lips widen with a pearly white smile. I take that as a yes. I grab her by the hand, and lead her to the bike. She straps on the spare helmet that was on the bike, and away we go. We ride for hours. She taps me on the shoulder, and tells me her apartment is on the next block. Would i want to stop in for a while and have another beer. Who am i to say no? I watch her lead the way, and i can't keep my eyes off of her tight lil'behind. I think back to the days when old hippo ass looked like this. Well, once upstairs, one beer turned into two, and so on. The next thing i know, i'm in bed with her, and she was amazing! It was the best expierence i have ever had.

Right then i had an epiphany. I had to be happy. I wasn't going to live a miserable existance for the rest of my life and something had to be done.



Long story short, i left my hairy beast of a wife. (She's done good since i left. She remarried an Appliance salesman named Harold.) While i was moving out, i came across the helmet. I don't ever want to be reminded of my miserable past life, so please, make a bid. I have a motorcycle payment to make! The helmet has no scratches, size MED and i would rate it a 9 out of 10.



Ok guys, First off, i gotta thank everyone for the great Emails. (Especially the Hotties sending me Topless pics. BTW, i never get tired of that!) I gotta get some things out here.

****** This is a no joke auction, so please, don't bid unless your gonna buy the helmet. I really need the money, and i don't think its fair to the people who really want to bid on this. Thnaks!*****

Ok, some concerns have been brought up to me in a few of my emails.

FIRST! Let me state that this helmet is not CURSED! I have brought in a Poltergeist to "cleanse" the Helmet. I assure you that their will be no left over "pregnant dog" residue in the helmet when the winning bidder recieves it.I also had the helmet INFRARED SCANNED for cooties, and it passed with flying colors. You have my word as a human being. I would never subject anyone to the hell i went through.

SECOND! Many of you have asked for pics of the Ex. Come on now People! Do you REALLY expect me to have any pics of her. I damn near wanted to drink a gallon of Bleach just to clean my mouth out cause i remeber having to kiss her goodnight! If you need a visual, Halloween is coming soon. When the little grubby bastards come trick or treating with there scary masks, times it by 100, and you still won't be close to the UG-LEE-NESS of that Wildebeast. Again, it's been fun."

[Dannog]

Sperm sample.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'

'Then I asked my wife Ethel for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'

'We even called up Doreen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open!!!!!'

[Jukie]

Very good danno

[Jukie]

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only
> 4 parachutes.
>
> The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one.  The
> world needs me, I can't afford to die."  So he took the first parachute
> and left the plane.
>
> The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of
> Australia and I am the smartest woman in Austarlian history, so
> Australia's people don't want me to die."  She took the second parachute
> and jumped out of the plane.
>
> The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war
> hero from the Army of the United States of America ."  So he grabbed the
> parachute next to him and jumped.
>
> The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth
> passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served
> my country the best I could.  I will sacrifice my life and let you have
> the last parachute."
>
> The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President.  There's a parachute
> left for you.  Australia 's smartest woman took my schoolbag."